Unknown and Unknowable
by anonymous slashlover
Summary: Trying something new here. Let me know if you like it. Glorfindel has a secret and only Erestor knows what it is; Slash
1. Secrets Uncovered

7

Title: Unknown and Unknowable

Chapter One

Rating: It's only like PG now, but it will make its way to R as time goes on.

Author's Note: I apologize in advance for any slip-ups in my characters' personalities. I am currently writing this fic simultaneously with my other, Elven Hearts. Both have roughly the same characters, but they have radically different personalities. It's really tough to do both at the same time.

Another Note: I just came up with this idea when I was in class, and so I don't really have any definite idea where it's going. Suggestions would be more than welcome.

* * *

Glorfindel's mind

_You close the door as you walk in. Those robes have always looked so good on you; the color really brings out your eyes. Casting that ever benevolent smile on me, I melt inside. But I can't let it show because you're in love. And not with me. I mean, I'm happy that you love your wife, and I adore your children. That doesn't change anything for me. Murmuring some unnecessary, instantly forgotten pleasantry, you sit down at you desk. I get up to give you the reports you had me read last night. Carelessly, your fingers brush mine as you take them. I nearly drop the papers and almost blush._

"_Are you feeling yourself today?" you ask with that smile of yours, that charming smile that makes me weak that the knees. "You seem…distracted."_

_I want to be able to tell you. I want to be able to take you into my arms and cover you with kisses. "I slept poorly last night." Because all I could think of was you. "And I have a lot on my mind." All I can think about is you…_

_...by the Gods, this is driving me crazy. I can't hold myself back anymore. I half make up my mind to just blurt it out and hope that you won't hate me. Just as I start to reach out, I tell myself that I have everything to lose by telling you. There is nearly no chance that you will understand or reciprocate, so I see little point in trying._

"_Glorfindel, are you sure you are well?"_

_I had to flee. I saw the concerned look you gave me right before I closed the door. At that moment, I was so glad that you could not see the contents of my mind and I could not see yours._

_To do so might have killed me.

* * *

_

Elrond's Journal

**Glorfindel acted so strangely this morning. I wish I knew what was on his mind. He seems so troubled and I would do anything to help him. Even Erestor noticed it; he mentioned it to me in the afternoon, and it surprised me. Erestor can be so oblivious to many things. It must stand out a lot for him to notice. What is on your mind, Glorfindel, and how bad you must think it to be if you don't want to let me help? We have known each other for millennia and I thought that he would trust me with his secrets.**

**Why is my mind so fixated on him? The question entered my mind shortly after he left this morning. Of course, Celebrìan and the twins are on my mind a lot, there's no denying it. Still, when my mind wanders during the long day, it is not usually to them that my thoughts stray.**

**It seems that he holds some strange power over me. If only I could decipher what it is.**

**I must stop this. If it continues, then only the gods know how bad things will get. I need to get a grip on myself. I must think and write on other things. There must be other things of importance in my life.**

**Erestor leaves for Lorien tomorrow. He seemed strangely adamant to go and there was no way I could deny him. He is to meet with Haldir and Celeborn to finally deal with all the dirty details of arranging a combined border patrol. It has been chaos up until now. Erestor will succeed, I know that, and because he is there, I can almost guarantee that Imladris will receive the better end of the deal.**

**Why couldn't it be Erestor that invaded my mind? I have known him since we were practically Elflings. I have always been able to discuss anything with him. He has always been there for me.**

**He's even beautiful, too, in his own way.**

**Where did that thought come from? I don't think that anything like that has ever crossed my mind before.**

**I must really need some sleep.**

**I fear that I am losing my mind.

* * *

**

Imladris

"Glorfindel, dear friend, you have slain a Balrog, you are famous, you are witty, and you are beautiful." Erestor smiled as Glorfindel looked up at him with surprise. "You are, you know." The smile broadened as Glorfindel lowered his head and continued to pace the room. "I cannot stand this any longer! I shall go to Elrond and tell him right now!"

Glorfindel knew how little gravity this threat held and merely remarked slyly, "Then perhaps I would slip why you're so eager to go to Lorien." He chuckled as a blush lightly colored Erestor's face. "Leave me to my misery."

"Elrond would be a fool to ignore you if you told him…"

"Maybe centuries ago, before he was married, but he has never expressed any interest in any male. I do not want to…"

"Glorfindel, this is destroying you." He walked over to his friend, a closer friend than Elrond knew. For a period of about six months, they had had a discreet affair, discreet enough so that even Elrond had not known about it. But it hadn't worked out, they had been too different, so they were just the best of friends. "I can't let this continue."

"You leave for Lorien tomorrow. There is nothing you can do."

"I have known Elrond longer than you have…"

"And has he once, just once, expressed any measure of sexual affection towards any male?"

Erestor thought hard. When he was younger, he had been interested in Elrond, too. But that had just been a brief obsession, more hero-worshipping than any real love. He knew, deep down, though he would not tell Glorfindel, that another large part of why he had stopped loving Elrond was that Elrond had never reciprocated any interest. "No, he hasn't. But that doesn't mean…"

"It tells me everything that I need to know. He's married."

"He wouldn't be the first to cheat, you know."

"Elrond doesn't strike me as the type. He loves his family too much. And now we will drop the issue." Glorfindel didn't like to discuss Elrond, especially with Erestor. He could have loved Erestor; he knew that, had it not been for Elrond. Erestor had every characteristic that Glorfindel looked for in his lovers; handsome, intelligent, funny, adventurous, brave, affectionate. He didn't know whether Erestor knew how much he had truly been in love. But that didn't matter. Erestor was not his, and he didn't think that he wanted Erestor anymore. All he wanted was Elrond.

* * *

Erestor's Journal

**I'm so worried about Glorfindel. It's not that it's necessarily a bad idea for him to love Elrond (except for the fact that Elrond isn't interested). Glorfindel just gets very obsessive. He did the same for me, and it made me feel suffocated. He attaches himself very quickly and then he won't ever let go. He's letting his love for Elrond eat him alive. Ever since I found out about Glorfindel's love (he managed to hide the secret from me for a long time, until I stole his journal and read it. I wasn't a spy for nothing, you know), I have been trying to subtly hint as much to Elrond.**

**Not that Elrond isn't intelligent, of course. He's the smartest elf that I have ever had the privilege to meet. He has been called perfection by many, but they have obviously never seen Elrond throw a tantrum or the fear that showed so blatantly on his face or the way he cried the night before he got married. He never did tell me the reason and I never did ask. I'm not sure if he would have told me anyway. I just held him and told him that everything would be alright.**

**For instance, I told him just a week ago that I had heard a story from an elf in Mirkwood that was something to the effect of ninety percent of the elves in Mirkwood were indifferent to the gender of their sexual partners. I then asked him if he felt that way. He frowned at me, seeming not to understand. Then he said, "I love my wife."**

**I wanted to shake him. I wanted to hit him. I still do. Glorfindel is practically wasting away with grief. I can see concern in Elrond's face when I bring Glorfindel up, but I see no love or affection. It grieves me to think that Glorfindel will always have to love Elrond from afar.**

**I will be journeying to Lorien tomorrow. Glorfindel knows what Elrond does not, that I care next to nothing about a combined border patrol. I trust that Glorfindel will not betray my secret, just as I will not betray his. It is Haldir I go to visit. Unfortunately, there I am in much the same predicament as Glorfindel. The only advantage I have is that I know Haldir is at least mildly indifferent. I think I can seduce him. I just need some time.**

**If the Valar really are as omniscient as everyone says, then I will put a plea into writing. Please help Elrond to understand that love from a male elf is just as good as from a female. Please help Glorfindel to work up the courage to confess to Elrond. Please help both of them find happiness together. Both of them more than deserve it.**

* * *

Imladris

Elrond saw his two best friends sneaking through the hallways well after the time they should be in bed. More than slightly curious, he began to follow them, wanting to know what reason they had to be up so late at night. All three were nearly silent except for the occasional muttered comment from one of the two elves in front of him, usually followed by a laugh from the other. Elrond wanted to get close enough to hear what they were talking about. Elrond had not thought the two as close as they apparently were. Glorfindel's arm was slung around Erestor's shoulders, and it appeared that Glorfindel was drunk, as he swayed from side to side at times, and Erestor seemed greatly amused at the task of keeping Glorfindel upright. _What cause has Glorfindel to get drunk? He looks so miserable all the time. Maybe Erestor got him drunk to help him forget._ Elrond would not put it past his advisor.

"You shouldn't have try to get drunk, mellon-nin. It won't solve the problem," said Erestor softly.

"It hurts too much."

Elrond was slightly upset. Erestor obviously knew what was troubling Glorfindel, and Elrond wanted to know so that he could help. Stealthily following along, he hoped to discover Glorfindel's secret.

"Maybe you should leave. I'm sure I can convince Elrond to let you come with me."

"And what would I do there? I don't run from my problems."

"Really? So what exactly were you attempting to do just now?"

Glorfindel chuckled sheepishly. "Maybe you're right. But I should stay here. Elrond might need me."

Elrond, to his surprise, heard Erestor groan. "That is the last thing you need right now. I'll tell you what. When I'm hashing out these agreements…"

"If and when you get around to business. I imagine that you've heard rumors about Celeborn…"

"Who hasn't?" Erestor laughed. "But when I get around to doing that, I will see that you are given a job to take you away from here for as long as possible…"

"Erestor, that is the last thing…"

Erestor stopped in the hallway and turned Glorfindel to face him. Elrond was forced to duck into a doorway to avoid being seen. He felt ridiculous, but obviously there was some major problem Glorfindel was trying to deal with and failing. As the Lord of Imladris, he had every right to know what it was.

"Glorfindel, you will listen to me," said Erestor in his command voice. It was the kind of voice that Elrond had heard quite infrequently, but when he did hear it, something about it demanded instant compliance. "Tomorrow morning, you will go to see Elrond and ask him if you can take some time off. I don't care what he says, make sure you get that time off. You can be most persuasive when you wish, mellon."

"What will I do with myself?"

"Get over it…"

"You say that as if it's so easy…" Glorfindel's voice was slowly getting louder and more agitated, and Elrond didn't have to strain to hear it.

"I have been through what you have. You have to accept the facts. It's never going to become reality, no matter what you try."

That sounded brutally harsh to Elrond's ears, but as he didn't know the circumstances, he really couldn't comment.

Glorfindel broke down at that point. Elrond had never seen Glorfindel cry. He also would never have expected the typically quite cold Erestor to comfort him. "Hush, mellon, I'll take you to your rooms and we can talk if you'd like. This is no place to break down."

"Just make it go away."

"I will do what I can. Now come on."

Elrond saw no reason to follow them further. Erestor obviously had a lot more of a relationship with Glorfindel than he had previously believed. Elrond realized that he was jealous of the thought that Erestor would be there to calm Glorfindel, comfort Glorfindel.

_Where are these thoughts coming from? Am I going mad?_

Elrond shook his head. It must just be tiredness. But he knew now that he would not give Glorfindel any time off. To do so would break off any chance to figure out what bothered Glorfindel. And Elrond now, more than ever, had to get to the bottom of it. For some reason, he believed that whatever this had to do was something that he could directly deal with.

Shaking his head, he walked back towards his rooms. Celebrìan was waiting for him, and there was somewhere he felt safe. And safe was good right now, when he was sure he was losing his mind.

Please review. I won't continue this, as I'm really busy, unless I get a few reviews. Don't care if they're good or bad, just want reviews.


	2. Decisions Made

Chapter 2

Author: Anonymous slashlover

Rating: PG to eventually R

Summary: Glorfindel has a secret and only Erestor knows what it is.

Author's Note: Nothing lets an author know that they are appreciated more than getting reviewed, whether the reviews be good or bad.

* * *

Elrond's Mind 

_For some reason, when you walk in, he is smiling. All the worry and tension that has built up over the past however long it has been is gone. I'm puzzled. Last night, you broke down. You shouldn't look so happy this morning. What did Erestor say to you after I left to remove whatever it was that troubled you so?_

_I was prepared to hear you ask for some time off, and had carefully calculated a half dozen good reasons why I needed you around. All you say, though, is, "What is there to do today?"_

_You surprise me so much I almost can't speak. For some reason, I can't take my gaze off of your eyes. They are sparkling with an intensity that I had almost forgotten they had. Once again, I find myself jealous of Erestor. Only I can't even take it out on him because he's gone._

"_Well, there will be some visitors from Lorien arriving in two days. We could probably use some arranging there," I say. I had had to think of that on the spur of the moment. I hadn't been prepared to give you work. I had been ready to argue with you._

_You nod. "I can get to work on that." Then you smile, and for some reason, that immediately brightens my day. I can't fathom what is running through my mind and stop whatever it is. Then your smile broadens. "What are you doing after dinner tonight, Elrond?"_

_I don't know why I'm not surprised by your question. Even though you and I rarely do anything outside of working together, I am not surprised that today of all days you ask me. But before I can answer, you shake your head and laugh a little. "What?" I ask._

"_Forget it," you say. "Is there anything else you need me to do?"_

_I find some pointless work that could be done at any time and hand it to you. "This needs to be done right away," I lie. "Can you get it back to me by tonight?" Selfishly, I just want to see you again, though even now I'm not sure why._

"_I can try," you say. Without another word, you turn and walk out of the room. When you are gone, the world seems a little less bright._

* * *

Glorfindel's Journal 

**He seemed so distant today. It was almost like he didn't care. But I don't want to think about him not caring. Still, he just handed me the things I needed and then he completely ignored me. It was better when I was miserable. At least then he seemed to care a little. Now he cares not at all.**

**Elrond, why do you torment me so? Why do you have to haunt me day and night? **

**Why? Why? Why?**

**I have to stop this. I have to get control over myself. I am losing my mind over you. **

**Erestor's right. That's not healthy for me. It's going to kill me unless I start making changes.**

**But how can I not love you? How can I go an entire day without your name entering my mind? How? Tell me, Erestor, now that you are gone, now that you are away from here, if you ever really loved Elrond, how did you forget that love? **

**I have to stop this. I will stop this.**

**Erestor was right. Last night, he told me that the only way to get over this was to find someone else. But who else is there? There's him, of course, but he's now headed to Lorien. So who? Who?**

**I did a good job today, though. When I went to see him, I forced myself to think of Erestor. It was surprisingly easy. I thought I saw some kind of regret maybe on Elrond's face, but I doubt it.**

**And today is the last day I will put his name to this journal. Today is the day that I start to try to forget him. I never thought that I would be willing to do this, but after last night, I realize that to want Elrond for my own is pointless when I know I have no chance.**

**Valar, if you truly exist, then I beg of you to help me to end this obsession. Please. There is no other way I will ever survive.**

**Who else is there to love?**

**Who?**

**I feel so alone now. Before, I could always be with Elrond in my thoughts.**

**Now I am empty. Now I am lost.  
**

* * *

Imladris

Elrond looked up as Glorfindel entered the dining hall. It was packed and loud. Normally, he had noticed that Glorfindel avoided coming here when at all possible. Elrond found that he couldn't take his eyes off of Glorfindel. Biting his lip in uncharacteristic hesitation, he forced his gaze over to the twins, who were causing their usual havoc. _I can't wait until they grow up._

Then Elrohir threw something (Elrond never did see quite what) at Elladan, and it hit him in the face. Elladan promptly threw his plate back at Elrohir. Elrond began to rise to his feet to control his sons before they created too much of a disaster. Then Elladan began to chase Elrohir around the room. Elrond would not chase after them. But the Valar only knew how much trouble they would cause before they tired themselves out.

Celebrian knew better. She got up and stalked after her children. Elrond smiled fondly at her. He truly loved her and nothing would change that. For the first time in the Valar knew how long, he was happy. Only now there seemed to be something else seeping into his thoughts.

It was just one single thought. But it persisted all day. Nothing he could do made it any different. He couldn't will himself to forget it, and it remained on the tip of his tongue all day, so he had to guard his every word to prevent it from slipping out.

_Glorfindel is beautiful._

"You want these back?" asked an amused voice from somewhere near him. A very familiar voice.

Elrond looked over and saw Glorfindel, who had one child under each arm. A smile appeared on his face. "How did you catch them?"

Glorfindel returned them to their seats. "They ran into me."

"Are you eating? Or did you just come here for conversation?"

"Truth be told, I'm not very hungry."

Elrond rose to his feet. "Neither am I…I think we need to talk, Glorfindel."

"About what, Elrond?"

"Please, Glorfindel."

Glorfindel frowned. "Of course, Elrond. Whatever you'd like."

The two elves rose and left the hall. Elrond didn't know why he was doing this. He didn't know what he was going to say to Glorfindel when they were alone, and he was a little afraid of what might come out if he just let go.

Glorfindel was terrified that Elrond had somehow stumbled upon his secret. If he had, nothing but bad could come of this.

* * *

Erestor's Journal

**So day one of my journey ended. I practically fell asleep in the saddle several times. I spent most of last night with Glorfindel in his room, talking to him and comforting him. In a way, I am glad that I will not be in Imladris to witness Glorfindel's going through what I know he's going to go through. To see him so helpless might destroy me. On the other hand, I know the pain he's going to go through because I've been there and done that.**

**Still, Imladris is behind me now. I must think not of what lies behind but of what it is to come. There is much I must do.**

**Despite this knowledge, however, I still find my thoughts wandering. Only they do not stray to Imladris. It is to Lorien and the one who is there. He doesn't know what I feel for him. We have only met twice, both in formal settings, but I fell in love with him the first time I set eyes on him.**

**Haldir is very seducible. I intend to stay in Lorien for some time. I am sure that there will be plenty of opportunities for us to be alone. For me to get him alone.**

**Elrond, if you could hear me, if you could only understand what torment you are putting Glorfindel through. Surely you would not let him live in his misery. Surely you would do something to alleviate the pain. You are a healer, after all. **

**Valar, please help them find themselves. Let them love each other. And let me find happiness in Lorien. After all I have been through, after all I have done, I feel like I deserve a little something in return.**

**Why must life be so complicated?**

**Why must there be such love as Glorfindel feels for Elrond?**

**Why must there be such pain?**

* * *

Imladris

Elrond had never felt this flustered in his life. Even at his marriage he had been calmer than this. And he had never been more scared than at his marriage. Until now. He closed the door to his study, letting Glorfindel enter before him. Swallowing nervously, he mentally shook himself. _Stop acting so strange. He's not stupid; he'll realize something's wrong._

"What's wrong, Elrond?" Glorfindel looked extremely concerned and Elrond felt guilty about doing that to him. "Has something happened?" He could see how flustered Elrond was. Looking back, he could not recall any occasion when Elrond has looked as out of control of his emotions as right now.

Elrond shook his head. "No, nothing has happened." _Except for the fact that I somehow can't get you out of my head._

"Then what?" Glorfindel sensed that something was seriously bothering Elrond. That meant he might be here a while, drawing the whole story out of Elrond. This was exactly not what he needed to get over Elrond. It would only make things worse.

"I…I have a problem," began Elrond hesitantly. _What do I tell him? How do I tell him what I feel when I'm not even sure what I feel? All I know is that he is always on my mind. I'm supposed to devote myself to my family, but I hardly even think of them anymore._ He sat down at his desk to give himself some distance, both physical and emotional. "I don't think…I'm not sure that…that I love Celebrìan any more."

"What leads you to this conclusion?"

_What are you supposed to tell him?_ taunted a little voice in the back of his head. _Are you going to tell Glorfindel that he's the reason you don't love her? I'd like to see how well that goes down. He'll be disgusted with you. _"I don't know."

"Is it because you love someone else?"

"No." That was a definite. Celebrìan was definitely the only one he loved.

Glorfindel nodded. "Was it something she did?"

"…no." He was sure of that, too.

"Did you do something wrong?"

"Maybe."

"Maybe? What do you mean?"

Elrond closed his eyes. He couldn't stand this conversation any more. He was used to being so casual and carefree. Now he was nothing short of an interrogator…Maybe if Glorfindel was gone, then he would be able to focus on his family. "Can you do a favor for me?"

"Of course, Elrond. Whatever."

"Can you go to Mirkwood for a while?"

Glorfindel frowned. "Excuse me, Elrond? For what?"

"Nothing. Just…could you?"

Glorfindel was extremely confused. Had he given something away to Elrond; had Elrond finally discovered his long-hidden secret? Still, Elrond was his Lord, and if Elrond asked him to leave, what could he say to object? "If that is what you wish, then I will go."

"When can you leave?"

"Tomorrow morning. How long will I stay?"

"Until I call you back."

This seemed more and more like a punishment to Glorfindel. "Very well, Elrond. I will leave tomorrow." As he walked out, he only made it about twenty feet before he broke down and began to cry.

* * *

Author's Note: I need some feedback. If you read this, please give me an opinion on the following: should Glorfindel fall for Legolas???? Would like to know what you think. 


	3. Lorien

Chapter Three

Rating: I think this chapter finally makes it to PG-13 (YAY!!)

Author's Note: This is for the reviewer who asked nicely to see more Erestor.

* * *

Erestor's mind

_I am just about ready to collapse when you meet us. I had ordered no rest until we reached Lorien. My escort complained bitterly, but I had the final say. My eyes seem as heavy as one of these gigantic trees around me. I find myself blinking rapidly to keep awake. I look down at my hands and see that they are shaking slightly. Forcing my tiredness behind a carefully cultivated sheen of diplomacy, I look up and see you._

_All my shields crumble._

_Cursing myself for this obvious stupidity…this is no way to go about a seduction, I force a diplomatically correct smile on my face. "Greetings, Haldir," I say, dismounting carefully. There's no way I want to fall and make myself look like an idiot._

_You smile at me and I nearly fall over. "I take it you have had a long ride, Councilor. You appear dead on your feet."_

_You knock me dead, I want to say. But I don't, for two reasons. The first is that we are in public. The second is that you don't know that I want you yet. So I smile. Then I say, "Yes, Haldir. I am exhausted."_

"_Then let me take you to your rooms. You can rest there before we begin our…negotiations."_

_Involuntarily, I lick my lips. I am only moderately surprised to see you focus on that and momentarily lose the power of speech. I have been told that I can have that effect on some. And I will use it on you to the full extent of its power. You can bet on that, Haldir._

_You lead me to my talan. I am so tired that I nearly fall down the steps. Somehow, I manage to keep my balance and stumble into the room. I have never felt less graceful in my life. You must have noticed something in the way I kept eyeing the bed, and so you say, "I will leave you to your rest. Do you wish to be woken for the evening meal?"_

_My tired brain tries to comprehend the question. What I want to say is no, and that I would like to sleep for days at least. Then I realize that if I say yes, then I get another chance to see you again today. "That would be nice," I say._

"_Then it can be arranged. I shall see you then, Councilor."_

"_Call me Erestor."_

"_Erestor."_

_Little do you know that when I saw the bed, when you saw me looking at the bed, the first thought on my mind was not sleep. What I wanted more than anything was to throw you down on that bed and fuck you. The images going through my mind in that split-second instant before you spoke again were hardly pure. I will show you by the time that I leave exactly what I think of you. _

_I want to kiss every inch of that marvelous body, I want you to do the same for me. I want to hear you scream my name as you come. I want to hold you through the night after we have spent half of it trying our best to keep all of Lorien awake. I want to make love to you Haldir. I want you so badly I can hardly contain it. I can hardly keep from just telling you what I want. I am notoriously good at getting what I want, but you are not just any elf. _

_I have done my research on you, Haldir. I have found out through my sources that you like to take it slow. So I will take it slow. I will make you enjoy this. I will take what I want, but I think that you will enjoy it, too._

_As you leave, I pretty much just collapse down on the bed, too tired even to plot how I will make you mine._

* * *

Haldir's Journal

**After today, I am totally speechless. After what I saw today, I will never be the same. It started out as a really routine day. I knew that Erestor was coming. But I didn't expect him to have quite that strong an effect on me. We had met before, and he had seemed courteous and pleasant enough, if a trifle cold and distant. No one could deny his beauty, of course, but he never seemed my type. Most have heard the rumors about Erestor, that he takes what he wants and cares only about himself. I would much rather have a loving relationship. On some level, I knew that I was glad to see him arrive. That was why I volunteered to greet the Imladris party.**

**And that was when it happened.**

**Before, I had always seen Erestor dressed in stiff, formal robes with that slightly bored expression on his face that he seems so fond of wearing. Now it was different. He was in loose, comfortable riding clothes, his hair falling loosely in front of his face. He could barely keep his eyes open. The diplomatic façade was gone and all that was left now was just Erestor. He tried to keep up a diplomatic expression, but I saw right through it this time.**

**I fell in love with him at that moment.**

**Not that anything else will have changed, though. He is who he is and I, of all elves, am not going to be able to change that. As he followed me up to his talan, he looked so ready to collapse that I just wanted to take him in my arms and carry him. **

**I saw him looking at the bed and the first thing that entered my mind was not for Erestor to sleep, but for me to fuck him there. Still, I don't think that's what was on his mind, because as I left, I saw him collapse down on it and fall asleep almost instantly.**

**I mean, I have to face the fact that he probably doesn't feel the same way about me. I know he was Glorfindel's lover (although Elrond remained oblivious) for a while. Who am I compared to Glorfindel? I may be conceited, but not that much so.**

**I knew he needed to sleep, but I had to come up with some excuse to see him again before the diplomacy begins and he goes back to the elf that he has always been. When I go to wake him, part of me desperately wants to convince him to stay in his room. Not even necessarily to fuck, but just to spend some time with him. From various sources (and I have many), I have gleaned that Erestor is a very interesting person.**

**It's so strange that he won't get out of my head. I'm not the kind to go all dizzy and obsessed. I'm usually the levelheaded one. Only now I've gone and fallen for an elf that I'm not going to get. Why do I have to be foolish?**

**The Valar only know how long he will stay. I will be tormented all that time. Even after he leaves, I know that that first sight of him today, will linger long in my mind.**

**I have to stop this. Even Celeborn will notice if I don't. He's sweet, Celeborn, but he's worse than a Balrog if he thinks you're shirking off some duty. And that's what I know I will end up doing; forgetting everything just to go seek out Erestor.**

**Celeborn should understand my problem, though. It's common knowledge here in Lorien that Celeborn has a more than friendly like of Elrond. But everyone knows that Elrond is only interested in his wife. Even before his marriage, he had shown no sign that he would be willing to take a male lover.**

**That's a pity. Even I can agree that Elrond is attractive (though he's not my type).**

**It's fortunate that the elf I want is actually gettable.**

**Though I know deep down that I will never get him.**

**Why must us Lorien elves be so miserable, so unlucky in love?**

* * *

Lorien

Erestor woke to a hand lightly shaking him. He woke up instantly and saw Haldir. A smile (albeit a tired one) appeared on his face. "What is it, Haldir?"

"You said you wished to be woken for the evening meal…but I can leave you, if you wish."

Erestor shook his head and sat up. "I could use a few moments to freshen up, though. Excuse me, Haldir." He disappeared into the bathroom. Only a couple of minutes, he emerged. "I am ready to go now."

Haldir was disappointed to see that Erestor now looked stiff and formal again. Forcing a smile onto his face, he said, "Very well. This way, Councilor."

"My name is Erestor."

Haldir nodded and strode ahead of Erestor. This image of Erestor was so opposite to the one he had seen earlier. This Erestor, frankly, scared him. Though he was not one, Erestor looked like a warrior. This Erestor was not the kind of elf he wanted to fall in love with. There were two Erestors. The first was this formal, arrogant, scary one. The other was the one that Haldir loved. The one that seemed so normal, so relaxed, so…intimate.

During the meal, Haldir tried his level best not to stare at Erestor the whole time. That meant that he had to keep his gaze focused nearly entirely on the plate. Erestor was sitting right next to Celeborn as the guest of honor. Every time Haldir looked up, he couldn't avoid seeing Erestor. The few times he had looked up, he had seen Erestor talking with Celeborn. He was smiling, laughing. That was the Erestor that Haldir loved.

"Haldir," said Erestor cheerfully, about halfway through the meal, "in Imladris, I heard a most…interesting story about your…exploits while on a patrol to Mirkwood last year. Perhaps you could tell me the truth of the matter."

Haldir grimaced and looked up to find Erestor's gaze fixed intently on him, like he was the only one that Erestor saw. Erestor smiled cheekily. Haldir couldn't help but smile. "I am not sure, Erestor, that that is appropriate table conversation. Perhaps you and I could discuss it after the meal." Haldir hadn't thought to be that bold, but it just kind of slipped out.

Erestor smiled much more broadly. _Perhaps he wants me as much as I want him._ "I would be delighted to."

Haldir forced his stare back to the plate. He was sure that he was reading far too much into that brief conversation. _But what if I wasn't? What if he's actually interested?_

After the meal was over, Erestor walked over to him and said, "Let us then return to my talan…unless you would prefer yours."

Haldir's brain actually stopped at that point. It took him a full five or ten seconds to actually get it to focus. "Yours…would be fine."

"Excellent. Come on, then. I think I deserve one night of merriment before these tedious negotiations begin." Erestor stretched his arms above him and yawned. "I fear that I am still tired, though, so we may not be able to talk for long."

Haldir managed to nod, still not completely in control of his mind. He feared that if he opened his mouth, something that he would later regret would come out. He followed Erestor mutely back to his talan. Once they were up there, Erestor said, "Would you care for some wine? Or miruvor, perhaps?"

Haldir didn't need to drink anything for him to lose control of himself. Alcohol would only make his condition worse. "No…I'm fine."

"If you don't mind, I would like to change out of these robes…I so hate formal clothes." He gathered up some clothes and then went into the bathroom to change. When he came out, he looked like the Erestor that Haldir wanted to see. Erestor walked over to the chair right next to Haldir. "So…want to tell me what really happened. I am most curious."

"Well, you see, if I'm going to tell you something, you're going to have to reciprocate."

"Reciprocate?"

"Don't pretend that you haven't done…wild things."

Erestor raised an eyebrow and said haughtily, "I am Lord Elrond's chief advisor. It would not be…becoming of an elf of my station to be caught doing…wild things." Then he smiled. "Especially as Elrond is not aware of my…preferences."

"For someone as omniscient as he seems to be, the fact that his chief advisor and his captain of the guards had an affair under his nose appears to puzzle me."

"We have always known that Elrond does not particularly approve of homosexuality author gasps!!!. He has never…punished anyone caught, but nor would he allow Glorfindel or I to remain in our positions were we found out. It is a matter of watching my back."

"You're avoiding my question."

"And what question was that?"

"That you have never done wild things."

"Ah, now why would I tell you?"

"Well, if you want to hear about my exploits, you will have to…"

"Fuck your exploits." Erestor had had enough of this beating around the bush. He grabbed Haldir and kissed him. It was a long, almost violent kiss. They only separated when they both ran out of breath.

"Why did you do that?" asked Haldir.

"Why did you think I came to Lorien? I couldn't care less about border patrols. Elrond wanted to send Glorfindel, but I came instead."

"It never showed."

Erestor grinned. "I'm a diplomat, remember?" He kissed Haldir again, more tenderly. Then he sat back in his chair, yawned, and said, "Now, I am afraid that you have tired me out completely. We will have to cut our…discussion short."

"Absolutely not."

Erestor shook his head. "Try not to sound so desperate, Haldir. It doesn't suit you. I will be here for some time. I'm sure I can find some way to drag you away from the negotiating table. And if not…well, I've always been good at taking what I wanted."

"So I've heard."

"Good. Then leave me now, Haldir. We can continue our conversation tomorrow." He stood up and waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

"We are in Imladris no longer," said Haldir softly. "I am superior to you here. I am afraid that you have to do as I say. And I say that I am staying." He put a hand on the back of Erestor's neck and pulled the slightly taller elf's head down to kiss him again.

"Good-night, Haldir. Don't press this, or it will come to nothing," said Erestor bluntly, turning away from Haldir. "I wish you pleasant dreams."

_Trust me, Erestor. This was more pleasant than any dream I could possibly have._

* * *

Author's Note: So, what do you think??? Reviews??? 


	4. Mirkwood

Chapter Four

Author's Note: The results are in…and everyone wants something different. I will do my best to accommodate everyone, though that could prove difficult.

Rating: PG-13

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Legolas's Mind

_In a sense, we could almost be twins. You look so much like me that its uncanny. We act the same and we are constantly finishing each other's sentences. I only met you yesterday, how is that I am falling for you already? I know that it is vain of me to compare myself to you, the mighty Balrog slayer, but I cannot help it._

_You smiled at me yesterday. You smiled a lot, truth be told, but your smile to me seemed more sincere. Perhaps I am flattering myself, but I cannot help but think it. I come to fetch you for the evening meal, and you just shake your head and tell me that you are not hungry. Something tells me, though, that that is not it. Something about you seems to radiate melancholy. I don't know what or why. I walk over to you and ask, gently, "Is something wrong, Glorfindel?"_

_You force a smile (I can already tell the difference between your forced smiles and your real ones) and answer, "No, Prince Legolas, everything is well."_

"_My name is Legolas," I respond. I don't want there to be that barrier of courtesy and correctness between us. How could anything form between us if we are forever using titles?_

"_Legolas," you say. "I am not hungry. That is all there is to it."_

_As I walk away, I frown. This whole situation bothers me. Lord Elrond offered no reasons why Glorfindel had to come. It makes it sound to me as though Glorfindel is being punished for something. But what could Glorfindel have done?_

_My father scolds me for daydreaming during the evening meal. I cannot help it though. I keep thinking of you. I can't possibly tell you that._

_You make me feel all funny inside. I don't know what to say when I'm around you, I don't know how to act when I'm around you, and most of all, I'm sure that everything I say and do makes me look a fool in your eyes._

_My Glorfindel, my Balrog slayer, I fear that I am falling for you._

_>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>_

Glorfindel's Journal

**That little princeling is really getting on my nerves. Every time I see him, he's all over me, asking what he can do to help me and am I sure that I'm okay. I don't need some little elf barely out of his majority falling for me right now. That's not going to help me mentally right now. All I want is Elrond.**

**No. Let this journal tell no lies. All I want is to know why Elrond sent me away from Imladris. There is only one thing I can think of that would push him to that. And that is if he had found out my secret. But how did he manage to do that? I was very careful about keeping my mouth shut.**

**I know that Erestor wouldn't have told him. Erestor knows how much it would ruin either of us to have Elrond find out. Why he is so against same-sex couples baffles me. He is otherwise so open-minded.**

**Elrond, why can you not see that I would be as good to you as any she-elf?**

**But no, I made a promise to myself when I left Imladris. Erestor was right. Erestor is always right. I cannot allow myself to pine away for him. I will not be able to lead a normal life unless I start wanting things that I can get. And Elrond is just simply someone I cannot get.**

**There is nothing for me to do, because Elrond didn't even bother to come up with a pretense for sending me here. It is growing awkward, and I am going to have to come up with some reason to stay. But that's Erestor's forté, not mine.**

**I must say, there is one real beauty that catches my eye. As much as I hate to say it, he may be more beautiful than Elrond. Only he is even more out of my reach than Elrond is.**

**I don't mean to say that he's as…intolerant to same-sex relationships. Here, that's not the problem.**

**No, this problem is far worse than that simple little niggardly one.**

**You see, journal, this beauty of which I have spoken is none other than King Thranduil.**

**Oh, Valar, why must I always be destined to fall for elves that I have not even a slight chance of getting? Why must I always be so unlucky in matters of the heart? Can you not take pity on me just this once, and allow me some measure of happiness?**

**>>>>>>>>>>>>>>**

Mirkwood

As Glorfindel seated himself at the table, his gaze couldn't help but wander up to the head of the table, where Thranduil was talking to one of his advisors, laughing and joking with him. Glorfindel unconsciously licked his lips as his gaze wandered down Thranduil's magnificent body. Stop this. You'll only end up as badly as before, only this time Erestor won't be here to talk you out of your madness. Get control of yourself, Glorfindel.

"Lord Glorfindel," called Thranduil.

Mumbling a curse under his breath, Glorfindel forced a pleasant smile onto his face. "Yes, sire?"

"What are you doing all the way at the end of the table? You are our guest of honor. Come, sit by me. I will not allow my honor to be slighted."

Glorfindel cursed the Valar. They obviously hated him and were going out of their way to make his life miserable. But one could not refuse an offer from a king. To do so would be a grievous mistake. So he rose from his seat and walked over to the king. This meal was going to be torture.

So Glorfindel decided to play a game, to keep his mind off of everything. He would avoid all eye contact with Thranduil and talk to him in such a way that they would (a) never be having a private conversation and (b) never discuss any personal matters. Glorfindel was convinced that a game like that would ably keep his mind and wits sane.

What he hadn't reckoned on was that Legolas would be on the other side of him.

Legolas immediately pulled him into conversation. While it was a good thing in that it meant Glorfindel didn't have to think about Thranduil at all, it was obvious that Legolas had a crush on him. Only Legolas was sincerely not Glorfindel's type. So Glorfindel had to find a way to bypass all the sophomoric sexual innuendo that Legolas used in order (Glorfindel could only assume) to get Glorfindel in bed. What Legolas didn't know was that wasn't the kind of thing that turned Glorfindel on. Glorfindel was more one for sweet gestures, like flowers.

Mainly by focusing only on his food, Glorfindel managed to answer all of Legolas's really quite prying questions with monosyllabic answers. Then, just when he had been certain that he had made it through the meal unscathed (and had privately vowed to himself to never come down to a meal again, for it was far too much strain on his already-nearly destroyed nerves), Thranduil smiled and said, "Lord Glorfindel, I think it a good idea that we talk in private now."

"Of course, sire." Glorfindel took a deep breath as he rose from the table. The Valar were obviously testing him and there was no way he could avoid facing it sooner or later. Glorfindel, being the kind of elf that he was, saw the best course as just going and getting it over with. So he followed Thranduil away into a private room, trying to steel himself for whatever might be coming.

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Thranduil's Journal

**Glorfindel's presence most surprises me. It is not like Elrond to send people to me without good reason. And it was clear to me that Glorfindel had no good reason for being here. True, it could be some scheme of Elrond's, but Erestor is Elrond's most cunning advisor, not Glorfindel.**

**This is a great mystery, and it is one I shall have to investigate further. I will find out why before he leaves. And if it is for a less than honorable purpose, I will see both him and Elrond punished.**

**Glorfindel seemed unduly nervous around me. That surprised me. Based on all the stories and rumors I have heard, I expected him to be brash and completely unmanageable. Not so. He avoided making eye contact at all, answered my questions with the bare minimum possible, and excused himself as soon as he could. All these of course, could point to some elaborate plot of Elrond's.**

**But I think that it's something else. Those signs are not only indicative of a scheme or plot, but could also be signs of infatuation.**

**I don't want to sound vain. But I cannot help but notice it. Legolas was fawning over him the entire meal. Most elves of both sexes respond to him. Glorfindel barely noticed him.**

**And if he is infatuated with me, then that would provide me with a reason for his leaving Imladris. Not necessarily that he came here to see me but that Elrond found out his preferences. I would not put it past that narrow-minded elf to get rid of anyone who felt that way. Little did he know about Erestor and Glorfindel's affair!**

**This will require a lot of investigation on my part. I could use a good mystery, though. **

**For that matter, I could use a good romance as well.**

**I am surprisingly lonely. Elves see my position, not me. They are in awe of me and that puts a hugely thick wall between me and any elf. You would think that Glorfindel would be used to that kind of thing, though, having lived and worked around Elrond for centuries or millennia.**

**In fact, a seduction might be exactly what is called for in these circumstances. **

**>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>**

Mirkwood

Glorfindel retreated to his rooms as quickly as possible after he had excused himself from Thranduil, claiming tiredness. In fact, he was perfectly awake, but he couldn't stand these Mirkwood elves.

He had thought that Legolas was bad, but that had before he had to spend nearly an hour with Thranduil. He was as bad as his son, only it was worse for Glorfindel because he was attracted to Thranduil, not Legolas.

Glorfindel knew that it would probably be a good idea to have an affair while he was here. For one thing, it would get his mind off Elrond, perhaps permanently. There were certainly many attractive elves here. It just seemed that he always fixated on the most unsuitable elf he could find.

"Glorfindel!"

Glorfindel closed his eyes for a moment, and then turned to face Legolas. Forcing some kind of a smile on his face, he said, "Legolas! It is good to see you again."

"Come with me."

"Why?"

"I have found somewhere special and I would like to show it to you."

Smiling bemusedly at this blatant seduction attempt, he allowed himself to be dragged away. He knew exactly what Legolas had in mind, and he still hadn't decided whether or not to fuck Legolas.

The somewhere special turned out to be a secluded grove near a riverbank. Legolas pulled Glorfindel into a heated kiss. Glorfindel decided that fucking Legolas might not be such a chore.

It was only a matter of a few minutes before both had removed all their clothing. "You're beautiful, Glorfindel," moaned Legolas as Glorfindel kissed his way down the creamy, perfect skin.

Glorfindel knew that he felt no attraction to Legolas. "You have a wonderful body," he responded, moving up to briefly kiss Legolas. The problem with doing this, he knew, was that Legolas would pursue him again and again. Glorfindel would never be able to shake him off. While in some respects that might be a good idea (like it meant that he could get his mind off of Thranduil), he could tell already that Legolas was a clingy, needy elf and that would drive Glorfindel nuts.

To Glorfindel's considerable surprise, Legolas was no virgin. Thinking back, afterwards, though, he decided that it was not all that unreasonable. Legolas was pretty in the way that attracted males and females. And he was charming, in his own way. It was just that Glorfindel didn't find it particularly charming.

They were lying sweaty and exhausted in the grass when Legolas rolled over and asked him, "Do you love me?"

"Love you, Legolas?"

"Yes. Do you?"

"I barely know you, Legolas." Glorfindel knew he had to be careful here. There was a fine line that he could not cross.

"But…we just…"

"We just fucked, Legolas. That doesn't mean I love you, it means that I wanted you. And those are two completely different things." Glorfindel leaned over and kissed Legolas tenderly. It wasn't as if Legolas was bad at this, because he wasn't, it was just that he was so young. And in more than just age. Erestor would have never asked that of him, had never asked that of him. None of his other lovers had, either. Especially not after one fuck.

Legolas began to pull on his clothes. "Okay," he said, appearing surprisingly reasonably. "Can we do this again?"

Glorfindel sighed inside, though he managed to keep his composure normal. "I don't think that that would be a good idea."

"Why not?" Legolas pouted.

He does look cute when he pouts. "Because your father wouldn't approve."

"My father doesn't have to know."

"Your father will find out." Glorfindel began to dress as well. "This was fun, Legolas, but it isn't love. I don't…I don't do love." It hurt to say that, but at that moment, Glorfindel's heart closed tightly, stopping all the pain of loss. But it closed his heart to love as well. "I'm sorry, Legolas, that I can't give you what you want."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Author's Note: So, who will Glorfindel end up with? I don't know yet. If you would like to see him with Elrond, Legolas, or Thranduil, let me know. I haven't started writing that chapter yet, so anything could happen!


	5. Feelings

Chapter 5

Author's Note: From now on, all my update schedules and other info will be posted on my bio page.

* * *

Elrond's Journal

**I feel so alone. I don't even know why. It is nearly midwinter festival, but I cannot bring myself to smile. Celebrìan gives me the strangest looks. Everyone knows something is wrong. Why can I still not be happy even after I have sent Glorfindel away??**

**I'm so lonely. The love I once felt for Celebrìan is dwindling daily. Elladan and Elrohir retain my attention only inasmuch as the chaos they cause around the house. Erestor is not even here to talk some sense into me. Why did I send Glorfindel away in the first place?**

**My reasons become less and less as time passes. I told myself then that I would be able to love my family more with him gone. But that is a blatant untruth now. Now, more than ever, he invades my mind.**

**What have I done to invoke such a curse upon myself? How did I offend the Valar? And what, if anything, can I do to get rid of this? **

**I don't know how to describe how I feel. Whatever I write down here will be a lie. I would say that it is longing, but that implies love or a relationship. Glorfindel and I are but friends, and that is all I wish us to be. The thought of that friendship becoming more…I cannot and do not wish to imagine it. I just don't feel that way. My love resides with she-elves, not males.**

**Valar, help me sort out the confusion in my mind! Give me some clarity through which to see my situation and fix it!**

**Midwinter festival planning is in full-swing. It will just seem strange this year, because there has never been a year in which both Glorfindel and Erestor will not be here. **

**For the first time in a long while I find myself doubting my every action. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore. But it feels like that if Glorfindel were here, then everything would magically become clear. Now, even I am not so deluded as to think that that might be truth, but there might be a grain of it in there somewhere. **

**I could recall Glorfindel, especially as he was not sent there for any specific task. But that may only make things worse. I have no way of knowing. It seems as though all my intelligence, all my wits, have deserted me.**

**Valar, hear my cry, hear my plea, and help me, somehow, someway!**

* * *

Glorfindel's Journal

**I cannot find rest in this place. Legolas has been pursuing me relentlessly. It has been hard to turn him down. So far, I have managed to. Thranduil is finding excuse after excuse to spend time with me. I know that he wants to find out why I'm here. The only thing is, I would like to know why I'm here. As I don't know, there's no way he's ever going to know.**

**I can't help but think that maybe he's interested in me. Kind of a worrying thought, but like I said in my last entry, he might be even more beautiful than Elrond. And he would certainly get my mind off of Elrond. Still, I don't know if it's a good idea.**

**Got a letter from Imladris today. Was completely formal. From Elrond, of course. He said that he wanted me to stay here until further notice. And that's odd because there's no real reason for him to send that letter. He already told me that.**

**It's as if he wants me to reply. But why would he want me to do that? I don't know if I will or not. I could confess how I feel about him. I'm already practically banished from Imladris. What could writing a letter do to hurt me, really? I don't know.**

**There is some good news, though. When I commented offhandedly that I had no immediate plans and might not return to Imladris, Thranduil said that he was always looking for good Captains. So I may have a position here if I do actually get myself banished. Which seems likely at this point. As I don't know what I did wrong, I can hardly apologize to Elrond for doing it. And as stubborn-minded as he is, he's not likely to just give in and let me back.**

**I think that I am falling out of love with him, though. Maybe it's because I don't see him every day. I don't think about him as much. Perhaps it's because I'm so focused on avoiding Legolas and his father. I don't know. Difficult to tell. **

**I think I will tell Elrond how I feel. It is only right. That way, if he banishes me or whatever, then I know I can talk to Thranduil and get a position here.**

**I will miss Erestor, though. Perhaps he can come visit.**

**Yes, I am no longer in love with Elrond. I should write a letter to Erestor, too, to tell him how this helped me. I think he will be happy for me. I think that I still love Erestor, on a deeper level than just sexual love. We would have been good for each other.**

**But the past is the past, and I must move on and look to the future.**

* * *

Erestor's Journal

**My life is pure bliss. I don't think that I have ever been happier. Haldir and I have been together almost the entire time that we have had free from negotiations. Celeborn seems to be complicit in this and does not, as he has in the past, force us to work through the night. I see that scheming smile on his face once too often each day for me to think that Celeborn does not know about this and approve.**

**I am glad that I have found someone to be happy with. There is only one problem. I don't think that I will ever be able to convince Haldir to move back to Imladris with me. And I can't abandon Elrond. I couldn't do that even if I wanted to. He's too good of a friend to me.**

**I don't have to worry about that yet, though. This is still a young relationship. I will only remain here another few days, though, so something needs to be settled upon. I don't want to lose Haldir.**

**I don't know if he feels the same way about me. Sometimes I think he does, but othertimes, it seems like he's just in it for the sex (which I have to say is good). But I won't complain about things that I cannot change. I will just be happy with what I have.**

**I received a strange letter from Elrond today. It appears that he has sent Glorfindel away. It is clear to me that Elrond is going through some kind of internal crisis. The last thing he needs is to face it alone. Of course his wife is there for him, but I'm not sure that that's going to be enough. Elrond mentioned that he cannot get Glorfindel out of his mind and asked me for advice. I want to tell him how Glorfindel feels about him.**

**But I won't. Because then I would have to explain how I knew, and both of our secrets would come out. I like my life in Imladris, and Elrond would not allow me to remain Chief Advisor if he knew. Shame, really. To me it seems that Elrond is falling for Glorfindel, whether he knows it or not. He has clearly listed all the signs of infatuation. The same ones, in fact, that Glorfindel has listed to me half a million times before.**

**Still, I cannot tell him that. I will tell him to bring Glorfindel back so that they can sort through the problem together. Perhaps that will bring them together so that they can admit their feelings. If Elrond will ever admit it. Which is doubtful.**

**I hope that Glorfindel is not too lonely in Mirkwood. Though, from what I hear about Prince Legolas, it would be difficult for Glorfindel to be lonely. As long as he doesn't fall too hard for the young Prince. Glorfindel needs Elrond. And Elrond, as much as he continues to refuse to admit it, needs Glorfindel.**

* * *

Elrond's Mind

_I stumble my way into my office. A part of me, the part that people used to admire about me, seems to have vanished. I don't want to even think about it anymore. Closing the door behind me, I collapse down at my desk. There is so much work to do and there is no way that I could get it done even if I were focused. And I am certainly not._

_A messenger knocks on the door. I call out, "Come in." The elf walks in, bows, sets two rolled parchments on my desk and then walks out without another word. After he is gone, I pick the two up and look at them. One is marked with Erestor's seal, the other Glorfindel's. _

_It is Erestor's that I open first. He has always been the voice of reason when I lose mine. Perhaps he will give me some advice that will allow me to throw Glorfindel's in the fire. I don't know quite why I fear to read Glorfindel's, but some dark premonition in my mind tells me that that is something I will regret._

_I sigh as I read Erestor's message. The first half is taken up by mundane business. It appears that the agreements are going well. Normally, I would be delighted by this, but my mind is otherwise focused. It is only within the last couple of sentences that he offers his advice. **Bring Glorfindel back** it says. **If you find yourself so troubled by him, the only way to get over that is to talk to him face-to-face. I can guarantee that that will sort out your problems. I know that he would not want you to be this distressed over him. Bring him home.**_

_I slam my hand down on the desk. That is not what I want to see. I wanted something better from Erestor. It doesn't matter that he's nearly always right. I just don't think I can face Glorfindel right now. I'm not even sure what I would do. _

_I pick up Glorfindel's message. Almost, I open it. Then I strike a match and touch it to the parchment. I hold it as it burns down to ash. It burns my fingers slightly, but I can tell that that small pain is far less than what I would have had if I had opened it and read it._

_I cannot focus. For a while, I pace my study. Part of me curses myself for burning the letter. Another part congratulates me for having such control over myself. I can see that the work is piling up on my desk. I know that the sensible thing to do would be to recall Glorfindel. But the irrational part of my mind will not allow that._

_Once Erestor gets back, everything will be okay. I'm sure of that._

_With a sigh, I settle back down at my desk. A part of me hungers to know what Glorfindel wrote to me, and I know that that lack of knowledge will haunt me._

_Calming myself, I pull the first report out of the stack and begin to review it. I have to focus. I am the Lord of Imladris._

* * *

Glorfindel's Mind

"_Why are you here?" you ask._

_I look at the ground and frown. "Elrond asked me to come."_

"_I feel that that's probably fairly obvious," you say, leaning closer. "Try again."_

_I back away slightly, forcing myself not to look you in the eye. If I do, then I may just grab you and kiss you. And I feel that that would be bad for diplomatic relations between Mirkwood and Imladris. Elrond will already be angry enough with me for my confession. "I don't know."_

"_Look, Glorfindel. I'm not going to deal with this insolence any longer. If you refuse to tell me right now, then I will order you locked up for conspiracy to commit treason."_

_Now I look up. "Treason?"_

_You nod. "Treason. So, you get one last try."_

_I don't know what to say. Erestor's good at lying; he would have been able to come up with something. I got nothing. So I go with the only excuse that my mind has been able to create. "Elrond sent me away from Imladris."_

_Now you look interested. "Why would he do something like that?"_

"_He never told me the reason. He told me to leave and not return. So I came here."_

_A curious smile dances across your face. I force myself to look down again. I feel your hand under my chin, forcing me to look up again. Swallowing hard, I look into your eyes and try not to melt._

"_Do you swear that that is the truth?"_

"_Yes, sire. You may write to Elrond and ask him."_

"_I intend to do that."_

_I force myself to pull away and stand up. A frown appears on Thranduil's face. "If that is all, sire, then I must go…"_

"_Pressing matters elsewhere?"_

_I have to shake my head. "No."_

"_Then stay awhile."_

"_No, sire. I don't think I will."_

"_You are refusing a direct order from me." You rise to your feet. You smile again. "Unless you are going to go see my son. He is quite taken with you."_

_I nod slightly. "If that's what it takes." I make a fast retreat, not sure how much more I can stand. I never thought that anything would be worse than dealing with Elrond and not being able to have him, but this is a hundred, a million times worse._

* * *

Erestor's Mind

_I see him every day, but I know that that will not last. I picture him as I saw him last night, and this morning, when he woke up in my arms. It is pure bliss. I have never been so happy._

_I walk over to him and he greets me with a kiss. It surprises me, as I am not used to showing affection in public. In Imladris, that was dangerous. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Celeborn grin._

_I pull Haldir aside. "We need to talk," I say._

_He smiles. "About what?"_

"_I leave tonight."_

"_I know that."_

_I bite my lip. Now comes the moment of truth. Was this a relationship or a fling? "Are you coming with me?" Though it would be really, really hard to explain it away to Elrond, I am more than willing to try my best._

"_Coming with you?"_

"_Yes. Are you?"_

"_No."_

_

* * *

_

Author's Note: Aww, don't you feel bad for Erestor? Should he stay unhappy and alone, or will Haldir and he find a way???!!!


	6. Lovers

Chapter 6

Author's note: Sorry this one's kind of dragging along. I haven't had any good ideas recently. But i came up w/ some while writing this chapter, so all hope is not lost.

* * *

Haldir's Journal 

**I'm really confused. I thought that Erestor was just in it for the sex. When he asked me yesterday to come back with him to Imladris, I was so thrown that I just automatically answered no. Looking back, though, I'm not sure that that was the best way to go about this.**

**I really do want a loving relationship. It's just that he's in Imladris and I'm in Lorien. He'll never move here. And I don't think I'll ever be willing to leave everything here and go to Imladris with him. Never mind how Erestor would explain me away to Elrond without giving anything away.**

**Celeborn can tell I'm upset. He consoles me the best he can (**author's note: read into that however you'd like)** but it doesn't take away that longing. Part of me wanted to ride after him. Somehow, I don't think that he'd be impressed by sentimental gestures like that. **

**So now I'm stuck here, just hoping that I can find an excuse to bring Erestor back here for some diplomatic reason. If he'll even come. I know I wouldn't if he did what I did to him.**

**Erestor, I didn't mean to say no to you like that. It just came out like that. I wish I could tell you that. But I can't.**

**Fuck it. I'm coming to Imladris. I don't care what Celeborn, Elrond, or Erestor have to say about it. I was an idiot, and the least I can is apologize.**

(Later)…

**Celeborn gave me one of those annoyingly ever-knowing smiles when I told him what I was doing. It made me wonder…has Celeborn ever slept with Erestor? It's just not the kind of thing that comes up in daily conversation. And now I just would rather not know.**

**Anyway, I leave tonight. I haven't decided what I'm going to use as my excuse (because Celeborn won't give me any plausible excuse). I don't want to expose Erestor. He'd hate me if I did that. So I'll have to be cunning. Ha, ha. That's funny. I'm never cunning.**

**I will get you Erestor. I will apologize. We will work something out. I'm not willing to give up on this.**

**I just don't know exactly how to make it all right.**

* * *

Glorfindel's Journal 

**I expect that Elrond has read my letter by now. I'm not sure whether to expect an answer or not. It's hard to tell. He could be so upset/angry/sickened that he doesn't want to speak to me ever again. On the other hand, he might (secretly) reciprocate my feelings. But even I can't manage to delude myself that much. He could write to me telling to make Mirkwood my permanent home because he's banishing me. If he does that, I think I'll tell him that Erestor was my lover, and see if I can get Erestor here with me. Maybe he can help me fend of the Twins.**

**Not twins in the literal sense. That's just the term I've started to use to describe Legolas and his father. They are so persistent that it's driving me crazy. I've taken to hiding in my rooms. That won't last forever, though. Especially if Elrond does banish me and I'm stuck here.**

**It's not that I don't want to have a relationship with Thranduil. As I wrote earlier, that's definitely what I want. It's just that he's so…persistent isn't the right word for it, but I can't think of the right word now. **

**And I don't want to think about the look on Legolas's face if he were ever to find out. We've fucked a couple more times, but I still don't consider it to be anything serious. I know he does, and that worries me a little. Thranduil is very obviously protective of his son and I know he'd be angry with me if he ever got the idea that I'd somehow hurt Legolas.**

**My life is so complicated. Somehow, it manages to be more complicated even than my life in Imladris. **

**I do want to go home. I decided that. Mirkwood is great, but it isn't Imladris. And Thranduil is wonderful, but he isn't Elrond. **

**I can't lie to myself anymore. I've been denying my attraction to Elrond for a long time. But now that I've written that letter confessing myself to him, I might as well go home and confront him. **

Maybe Erestor will be back, too. I could use some advice from him. Especially if I'm going to end up back here. He's probably got reams of advice on how to avoid beautiful blond elves.

**I must be crazy. Who in their right minds would try and hide from those two?**

**I know the answer.**

**Someone who's in love with Elrond. Like me.**

* * *

Elrond's Journal 

**A million times every day I curse myself for burning that letter. A million times a day I tell myself it was the right thing to do.**

**Damn Glorfindel. He has done nothing but make my life miserable. I hope he's happy in Lorien. Maybe he will like it so much that he'll stay there.**

**No. I don't truly wish that. I would miss him. I miss him right now.**

**Should I call him back? Would that make my life more difficult or not? And could I convince myself to send him away again?**

**Celebrán is angry with me. I neglect her completely now. I don't blame her for her anger; I would be exactly the same in her place. The twins have started to avoid me because I now shout at them when they do something wrong. I never used to do that.**

**I am falling apart.**

**People call me wise, but I truly am not. I have just been lucky enough to be clear of mind, clear of conscience, and not afraid to do what I think is right. There's a difference. Only now I can no longer be that elf. I am no longer clear of mind, clear of conscience, and I have no idea what is right. It makes life very difficult. Do all the rest of elfkind go through this daily? How do they manage to survive?**

**Received a message that Erestor will be returning. That's good news. Perhaps he can talk some sense into me.**

**He might just make things worse. He's that kind of elf.**

**The Midwinter festival passed without a hitch. Everyone said it was spectacular, beautiful. I noticed none of it.**

**I can make no potion that will clear my mind. There is nothing that will help me think straight because I don't know what it is that's afflicting me.**

**Any other with these symptoms I would call lovesick.**

**But who am I in love with?**

**Only my wife. There is no other.**

* * *

Thranduil's Journal 

**Glorfindel has told me he will leave. Such a disappointment. I thought I was really getting closer to him. Maybe it's all in my mind, but he definitely showed little interest in Legolas. Certainly, I know the two slept together several times. I know Glorfindel well enough already though to know that my son is not his type. I think he is my type.**

**I am probably just fooling myself. Glorfindel seems to be distant from everyone. Does he have a love of his own? Someone, say, in Imladris? Could he still love Erestor? Unlikely. The two never made a very good couple. **

**Could it be Elrond?**

**Only a fool would love Elrond. He is wise and beautiful, there is no denying it. Even I have felt the pull of attraction to him more than once. But it is madness to fall for an elf that will never reciprocate those feelings. Progressive ruler he undeniably is, but for all of that, he is by far the most narrow-minded ruler I have ever met.**

**If it is him that Glorfindel has fallen for, I pity them both. I pity Glorfindel for it will mean he will always be unhappy. Elrond I pity for being so blind that he does not see the love from such a beautiful elf as Glorfindel as something acceptable. Forget the fact that he is married. He would never want Glorfindel anyway. **

**More fool he.**

**I will not prevent Glorfindel leaving, though. I cannot force anything that is not there. I cannot make him care for me. I will not try. Such would only result in heartbreak for me and hatred towards me on his part.**

**I just don't want him to hurt Legolas. Legolas is naïve, surprisingly enough, and I don't want him to fall for Glorfindel, especially as I grow more and more certain that Glorfindel's heart belongs to another.**

(Later)…

**So he has left. Mirkwood seems a little emptier without him. Perhaps I can find some fool excuse to bring him back. It seems that I have become a fool myself, foolish with love. I am old enough that I should know better, yet somehow I do not.**

**I will find someway to bring him back.**

**I will win him.**

**Somehow.**

* * *

Erestor's Journal 

**I will not lie and say that it is anger that I feel. Because that would be wrong. I am not truly angry. Upset is the wrong word, too. So is depressed.**

**I think frustrated is probably the best word I can think of to describe how I feel right now.**

**I think part of me knew that Haldir would refuse to come to Imladris with me. He is as dedicated to what he does as I am. It would be life-changing for him to come to Imladris.**

**So that's one part of my frustration.**

**Another part goes on a deeper level. I am frustrated with my life in general. Not only do I not have Haldir, but when I get back I must deal with Elrond. Somehow, I must convince him to let Glorfindel into his heart.**

**The frustration I feel is that everyone in Imladris is refusing to open their hearts and allow the inner truths come to life. Glorfindel and I have both been hiding what we truly are. Elrond is running from the truth, always running. Damn him.**

**There is yet a third layer. It is an inner frustration which I have only just discovered. My life seems somehow empty, devoid of meaning. I tell myself that this is untrue. I am well-respected and there is nothing really that I should be ashamed about. After I die…if I die, then my name should live on.**

**So why do I feel like everything I do is for nothing?**

**Strange, really. **

**I shall have to think about this.**

* * *

Legolas's Journal 

**He left me.**

**I can't believe he left me. **

**It seems like there is no reason to live anymore. **

**I thought he loved me.**

**He told me he loved me.**

**And now he's gone.**

**He didn't even bother to say good-bye.**

**Where's the point in living now that he's gone?**

**There is no point in living now that he's gone.**

**I don't know what to do with myself.**

**I want to go to Imladris and beg him to take me back.**

**In fact, I think that's what I'll do. I don't care what my father says. I know that I love him and I know that I want him. I will do anything to get him back. Surely he feels something for me. Why would he have spent so much time for me if it was just a brief fling?**

**He wouldn't have. I know he loves me. Maybe he's just afraid to tell me. Yes, that must be it. He's probably afraid of my father. All I need to do is to go to Imladris and tell him that there's no way my father will disapprove. And that I don't care even if my father says no. I will still love you anyway.**

**I know I love you. I know that I will always love you. O, my fair Glorfindel, how much I want you. I will leave immediately. Maybe I will even catch you before you reach Imladris. How surprised you will be!**

**Valar, help me to find Glorfindel. And help him to admit what he truly feels for me!**

* * *

Author's Note: Does anyone at all feel bad for Legolas? I hope not. Will Erestor convince Elrond to face his feelings for Glorfindel? Or will some tragic event be the only way? (wink-wink). 


	7. Discovery or, Stupid Bigots

Chapter 7

* * *

Imladris

Elrond smiled when he saw Erestor's party arrive. Erestor saw him and dismounted, smiling. He was tired, but he sensed that Elrond would want to talk immediately. And he was right. No sooner had he reached Elrond than Elrond said, "Come with me. We need to talk."

Erestor smiled. He knew Elrond so well. Wordlessly, he followed Elrond to his study. Elrond closed the door and leaned against it. "What is it, Elrond?"

"You have to help me, Erestor."

"Is this about Glorfindel again? Did you do as I suggested?"

"No."

"Then you are a fool."

Elrond frowned at that. He had been called many things in his life before. Fool was not one of them. In fact, he couldn't recall any instance when he had been called a fool. Still, he was not one to lose his temper over nothing. "Why do you call me a fool?"

"You know that my advice is sound. Still you refuse to follow it. That seems reasonably foolish behavior to me." Erestor really, though, wasn't in the mood to deal with Elrond right now. He was tired, and he missed Haldir terribly. "Now, Elrond, I would like to go and lie down. It has been a long couple of days for me. But I will leave you with the same advice that I gave you earlier. Bring him back."

"He wrote a letter to me. It arrived at the same time yours did," commented Elrond off-handedly.

"Oh? What did it say?"

"I don't know. I burned it."

Erestor sighed. "Elrond, you are truly a great fool." Erestor shook his head and walked out before Elrond could say anything to him.

Elrond sat down heavily. Obviously, Erestor knew something that he didn't. Would it really be wise to bring back Glorfindel?

* * *

Haldir's Journal

**I will be at Imladris tomorrow morning. Only now I am starting to have doubts. Surely if Erestor had wanted me to come back that badly with him, he would have tried harder. And I know that Elrond knows nothing about Erestor's preferences. It could get awkward if he demands to know why I'm here.**

**I can hardly turn around, though. I have never been one to back down from that which I am afraid of. I'm sure that Erestor and I can manage to work out something. I am a reasonably good liar and I will surely think of something before I reach Imladris. If not, I'm sure that Erestor can come up with a lie for me. At the very worst, I can pretend that I am carrying a message from Celeborn. That is not the kind of thing that Elrond would believe, but it will buy me at least a little time.**

**When Erestor first entered Lorien, I was certain that he was not the kind of elf that I could be happy with. But the few short days we had together changed that. I can not name one elf that I would rather spend my life with.**

**Well, perhaps I am looking too far ahead. A lifelong commitment is not something one makes idly. But I would like to get to know Erestor better. For an elf that many dismiss as cold and distant, he can be warm and caring once you break through the layers. Perhaps I stand a chance of catching his heart.**

**What if he doesn't, though?**

**I feel that he has taken my heart. If he rejects it, then I think I will die.**

**Perhaps I am being melodramatic, but it is the way I feel.**

**I have never been such a fool when it come so to love.**

**Erestor has changed me.**

**Valar, please hear me. I want everything to work out. I want Erestor to be glad that I came back and I want him to love me just the same as he did in Lorien. Help us evade Elrond's all-knowing eyes. I just want to be happy. I think now that Erestor is the only one that can make me truly happy.**

**More fool I.**

* * *

Erestor's Mind

_I am working hard when the door opens. I look up with a frown; I am too busy to deal with anyone right now. _

_You are standing there._

_I feel my heart begin to race. Only it is not love that is causing it to do so. It is fear. Quickly, I rise to my feet, pull you into the room and close the door. "What are you doing here?" I demand. True, I did ask you to come back with me. But you said no. You must have left only just after me for you to have arrived less than a day after me._

"_I…I thought you wanted me here." You look crushed._

_Now I feel like a jerk. A smile appears on my face. "No, I want you here more than anything. It's just a…surprise." I shake my head. "And we're going to have to come up with a reasonably convincing excuse as to why you've suddenly shown up days after I left you behind in Lorien."_

"_Or you could tell him the truth," you say._

_I shake my head again. "He'd force me to resign. I am sorry, Haldir, but I can't do that. Even for you."_

"_I missed you," you say. Then you kiss me._

_I want to kiss you back, but this is a dangerous place to do so. Elrond could walk in at any moment. That would just make my life much more complicated than I would prefer for it to be. "We can't," I begin to say._

"_You mean you've never fucked here before?" you ask teasingly, slipping a hand under my shirt. _

_It is getting harder and harder to say no. "It's different here in Imladris. I have to be careful."_

"_Fuck careful." You kiss me again and this time I kiss you back. My hands fall to rest on your hips, your arms are loosely around my neck._

"_I'm glad you came here," I say._

"_I realized what a mistake it was to let you go. I was hoping that you wouldn't hate me."_

"_Hate you? Why would I hate you?"_

"_Because I told you I wasn't coming back."_

"_I wasn't thinking at the time. It's wonderful to have you here…but it's going to make my life difficult at best. You won't be able to stay long because there's simply no plausible reason for you to be here."_

_You look crestfallen. "So you want me to leave?"_

_I grin. "Of course I don't want you to leave. It's not going to be easy, but I would like to keep you here for a while."_

_I don't even hear the doorknob turn._

* * *

Imladris

Elrond opened the door absent-mindedly, looking at the folder in his hands. It was stunning how much work had piled up. As he walked in and looked up, he saw something astonishing. The folder actually dropped from his hands to land unregarded on the ground.

Erestor was holding Haldir close, his hands on Haldir's hips. Haldir's arms were around Erestor's neck. A frown appeared on Elrond's face; were Erestor and Haldir lovers? The idea was difficult for his mind to wrap around.

Elrond saw the flash of horror on Erestor's face and the way Erestor quickly stepped away from Haldir. But the damage was already done. "Yes, Elrond?" Erestor asked.

It took a moment for Elrond to realize why he was here in the first place. Finally, he remembered and looked at the folder on the ground. "I…you…"

"This could be the first time I have ever seen you at a loss for words, Elrond," Erestor joked lightly. This was no laughing matter, though. Erestor knew that his job was on the line.

"Please look over these reports from our latest border patrol," Elrond said in a surprisingly steady voice. It was not how he felt at all. "And…I would like to see you in private."

"When? Right now?" Erestor knew that that would be most dangerous. If it happened right now, Elrond would make a rash decision. If it could be in anyway postponed until later, Erestor knew that Elrond would have a chance to calm down. And that was vitally important. It might mean the difference between Erestor retaining his job or returning to Lorien and throwing himself on Celeborn's mercy.

"After the evening meal." Elrond knew he needed some time to compose himself. Determined to remain dignified, he exited the room without another word.

After he left, Erestor slumped down at his desk. After all this time perfecting his illusion, it had been shattered by one careless action. "Go away, Haldir. I'll find you later. I need some time to think."

"I'm sorry," said Haldir softly.

Erestor forced a smile. "I know. I'll find you after I've talked to Elrond."

"I love you."

Erestor's smile became sad. "I love you, too."

* * *

Elrond's Journal

**I cannot believe it. There are no words to express how I feel right now. I always knew that Erestor was secretive. I always wondered exactly what his secret was. Now that I know it, though, I wish that I did not. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this.**

**Part of me doesn't want to let Erestor remain in his position. Another part of me knows that that is a foolish decision. It is so hard to decide.**

**Why did you have to do this to me, Erestor?**

**Now that I know this, everything starts to make more sense. I often urged Erestor to find a mate. I told him how happy he would be. He only smiled at me when I told him that, and he replied that he found happiness in other ways. Only now do I truly understand what he meant. I wish I didn't.**

**I find his actions repulsive. I understand that most elves are open about such things. I am not. **

**Valar, why do you see fit to do this to me? What have I done to upset you? First, these thoughts of Glorfindel are driving me mad. And now I find that my Chief Advisor is a homosexual. What next? What more tests can you devise for me? Have I not proven myself to you? What else must I do before you can view me as your loyal servant?**

* * *

Imladris

Erestor took a deep breath and knocked. "Come in," he heard Elrond say. Composing himself, he opened the door and walked in. He forced himself to look Elrond in the eye as he sat down.

"Hello, Elrond," he said in a pleasant tone, as if the two were sitting down to chat.

"Why did you never tell me?"

"I did not feel it pertinent that you knew." _Please, please, Valar, if you care for me at all, do not let Elrond banish me._

"You realize that you have put me in a very awkward position, Erestor. And I don't appreciate that at all. You are one of the most intelligent elves I know. How could you do this?"

"'Tis not a matter of intelligence, Elrond. I just am not attracted to she-elves. I have always been this way."

"I cannot understand it. You know my feelings on this issue…"

"So you would rather me be unhappy than keep your conscience clear? There is nothing wrong with my actions. All of my partners have been dear to me, as dear to me as your wife is to you…"

"Do not compare my love with my wife to your perverted lusts!"

Erestor's eyes flew open at that statement. "You terrible, bigoted elf," he said softly. "I care not if you choose to dismiss me. I resign my position. I can work no longer under you, Elrond." Barely managing to control his rage, he walked out of the room. Taking a few calming breaths, he went to Haldir's rooms.

Haldir knew something was wrong. "What is it?" he asked, taking Erestor into his arms and leading him to the couch. Erestor leaned on Haldir as if drawing strength from him. Then Erestor began to cry softly. Haldir held him until it subsided, then repeated his question.

"We should pack our things, Haldir. I resigned my position. I would like to go to Lorien for a time, if that is acceptable to you."

Haldir brushed the tears from his lover's face. "Of course, darling. I love you. We can do whatever you wish." A long pause. "I am truly sorry that I brought this upon you. I should have thought before I did what I did."

"No, Haldir. This confrontation had been brewing a long time. I am glad that it is now just over and done with." He sat up and closed his eyes. "This was the right thing to do."

* * *

Author's Note: I was planning on making the confrontation scene longer, but I just couldn't write Elrond's dialogue. It actually hurt me to write what little there was there. Damn all those bigots to hell!! Next chapter, we'll see how Glorfindel reacts to these changes of events!! 


	8. Confession

Chapter 8

Author's Note: **Nevvy, **I shamelessly stole the idea from your review for a couple chapters ago. You rock!

* * *

Elrond's Journal

**Still I am not sure that I did the right thing. Only I didn't actually kick Erestor out; he went willingly. After he left, the impact of the words I had thrown at him hit me. What I said was unforgivable. He was right to have left. I am not usually that cruel, I just lost control. It was so hard for me to believe that Erestor is what he is.**

**I think that I will miss him. Erestor was so needed here. This place will suffer for our fight.**

**I wonder if I should ride to Lorien and apologize. I don't know that he would come back. Would I let him bring Haldir back with him? I don't know if I could deal with it.**

**Now that I know the truth, if I look back, I can clearly see that he has been for a long time. I just didn't want to admit it to myself.**

**One good thing about this whole incident, though. I have been able to put Glorfindel from my mind. I haven't fell that tug of…of something pull at me. I think that I should call him back. With Erestor gone, I could use all the help I can get.**

**Celebr�an is going on a trip to Lorien. I hear her crying sometimes and a part of me knows that it is because of me that she is crying. That hurts, but there is nothing I can do about it now. My life has become too complicated. I am not the same elf that I was only a short while ago. I do not know what started this, perhaps I shall never know. **

**All that I know is that my life is set irrevocably on a different course now. As much as I love Celebr�an (for I know that I still do), it is not anything like the love I felt for her when we were bonded. The kind of love that I feel for her is the love that I feel for Erestor…no, looking back at the sentence, it makes me out to be like Erestor, and I am nothing of the sort. I feel a brotherly affection for her, but I know that that is not enough.**

**I asked her to leave the children with me. I have to try harder now. I am their father. I am supposed to be the wise leader of Imladris that everyone has always seen me as. I have to push aside all of my personal problems and deal with them later.**

**I do wish that Glorfindel was here, though.**

* * *

Imladris

Glorfindel was happy to be home. He wondered if Erestor was finished at Lorien yet. Glorfindel needed someone to tell about all his escapades in Mirkwood and Erestor was the only one that he felt comfortable doing that with. First, though, he had to see Elrond. He had to apologize for whatever Elrond banished him for and hope that Elrond didn't hate him too much for the contents of the letter.

Elrond appeared pleased to see him. "I was just thinking of calling you back, Glorfindel. I see that, as always, you know what I want even before I think it."

Glorfindel smiled. "Mirkwood has its own beauty but my heart will always lie in Imladris." The smile disappeared a little. "So…did you read the letter I sent you?"

"Yes," Elrond lied easily. Though he was not typically a liar, it seemed like the best answer. Though now more than ever he wished that he had read it. The look in Glorfindel's eyes seemed to say that it had been of monumental importance.

Some part of Glorfindel had been hoping that Elrond would have done something ridiculous, like burning it without reading it. He bit his lip. Now came the time to see exactly how far Elrond's hatred went. "And?"

Elrond knew that he had backed himself into a corner. Glorfindel wasn't even giving him a way out. He cursed his previous answer. Now he would have to try and make his way through this confrontation without admitting that he had lied. "Well, it was definitely something that I'm going to have to think about." That was a fairly neutral statement and would hopefully get Glorfindel to give him a clue as to what he had wanted to tell Elrond.

Glorfindel was puzzled by Elrond's noncommittal answers. So he asked a much more prying question. "So do you feel the same way?"

By Glorfindel's tone, Elrond could tell that this was something that Glorfindel had been dwelling on for a long time. Perhaps this had even been the issue that had sunk Glorfindel into depression for so long. Therefore, Elrond was hesitant to agree to something that could affect his friendship with Glorfindel profoundly. "I don't know. Sometimes…I think that I do, but…it's a lot to consider." Elrond was proud of this answer. It sounded like it meant something, but truly it didn't.

"Do you understand why I had to come back, then? I couldn't…I tried to forget it for a long time. A lot of elves in Mirkwood, like Prince Legolas, helped me. But in the end, none of them were like you."

So Glorfindel's problem had something to do with him. Elrond wasn't sure how much longer he could continue this without revealing the truth. "Well, maybe now that you have returned, we can do something about it." He smiled more broadly. "I have plenty of free time now, especially because Celebr�an is journeying to Lorien."

Glorfindel could hardly believe what he was hearing. Could Elrond secretly have wanted this as much as he did? Almost, so very almost, he walked over to kiss Elrond. The only reason that he didn't was that Elrohir and Elladan raced into the room and clamped themselves onto Glorfindel's legs.

Elrond walked over and bent down to pry the children off. "Leave Glorfindel alone. I am sure he is tired." Elrond looked up to see Glorfindel nod. "I am sure that he will have time to play with you later. Now be gone." He shoved them lightly, affectionately, towards the door and they disappeared as quickly as they had appeared. Elrond rose back to his feet, realized exactly how close he was to Glorfindel, and took a couple of steps back. "So, unless there's some other matter you wish to discuss with me, I'm sure you need to rest."

"Yes. I shall see you later, Elrond." Glorfindel disappeared out of the room, feeling like he was floating.

Elrond returned to his desk and wondered exactly what it was that he had agreed to.

* * *

Haldir's Mind

_I wish there was something I could do for you. You seem so lost now. I suppose that you are. Imladris had been your home for millennia. I see you try to smile, try to be pleasant, but you fail miserably. I can tell that you are pining for what you have lost. And I know that it is my fault that you have lost all you had. If I hadn't decided to come, then Elrond would never have caught you._

"_What are you thinking about?" you ask._

_I force a smile. "Nothing."_

_You take my hand and kiss me lightly. "Stop blaming yourself for this. It's not your fault. I resigned. I don't think that Elrond would ever have fired me. I brought this on myself."_

"_Then you stop taking all the blame for yourself. We have to accept that this is at least partially both of our faults."_

_You close your eyes and nod. "I just hope that Celeborn won't kick me out."_

"_He won't. I promise you that, Erestor."_

"_Promises have ceased to have meaning for me." You pull your hand back and look away._

"_I love you."_

_You look up. I see an unfamiliar expression in your eyes. I cannot name it, but it certainly is not love. "I know," you say._

_You ride ahead. I feel tears in my eyes. All I want is for the two of us to be happy._

* * *

Legolas's Journal

**I arrived at Imladris today. Elrond seemed quite surprised to see me. I was smart enough not to tell him my real reason for coming here. I wouldn't want to hurt Glorfindel like that. So I told him that my father sent me on an urgent mission to convey some news to Glorfindel. Elrond didn't really seem to buy my story, but he took me to see Glorfindel anyway.**

**Glorfindel seemed surprised to see me as well. When we were alone, he demanded what I was doing here. I told him that I was here because I loved him. He laughed in my face. I almost cried. But I am stronger than that. I asked him if he truly wanted me to leave and he said that yes, that was what he wanted.**

**So I walked out of his room without saying another word to him. **

**I don't understand. He told me that he loved me. Then he left without even telling me that he was going. I'm so confused. Why has he changed so much? I want him so badly…and now I don't think that I'm ever going to get him. What changed his mind so much between the time he left and now?**

**I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave Imladris. I won't leave Imladris until I get a decent explanation out of him. He'll have to listen to me soon or Elrond will demand to know the real reason that I'm here, and I know that Glorfindel will not want to give away the real reason.**

**I will find out why he doesn't want me anymore. Not to be vain, but who wouldn't want me? Who else could have captured Glorfindel's heart? I suspect that my father would try, but I don't think that he managed to succeed.**

**There are few here that could challenge me for Glorfindel's heart. In fact, as I have not yet seen Erestor, there is only one I believe that could. And he is not interested in males. The only one is Elrond.**

**I will break through Glorfindel's shield. Perhaps he doesn't think that my father will approve and so he is trying to pretend that he doesn't love me. I will find out the real reason.**

**I will win you, my beautiful Glorfindel.**

* * *

Imladris

Elrond was pacing his study. He wanted to know the contents of Glorfindel's letter. He was cursing himself for burning it. Obviously it had been of so much importance to Glorfindel that he was willing to risk Elrond's wrath to come back to Imladris to seek out Elrond's opinion on it. Now that he had begun this whole set of lies about how he had read the letter, he couldn't confess the truth to Glorfindel. So he was trying to think of what Glorfindel's problem could be. There were only a few scraps of truth that he could depend on. The first was Erestor and Glorfindel's late-night conversation, which had conveyed little information to him. He knew that Erestor knew what Glorfindel's problem was, but he couldn't write to Erestor or contact Erestor. He didn't think that Erestor would want to talk to him right now. Not that Elrond blamed him. Erestor had every right to be angry with him. The second and last piece of information was that it seemed to be of life-ending importance to Glorfindel. That was even more useless than the first piece of information.

Someone knocked on the door. "Come in," he called. He forced a smile onto his face when he saw that it was Glorfindel. Some part of him was terribly glad to see Glorfindel again, but more of him was terrified that he would give something away that would detail how little he truly knew.

Glorfindel appeared confused about something. "Has Erestor not returned from Lorien yet?"

Elrond sighed. _Well, Glorfindel has to find out about it sooner or later._ "Yes, he returned a couple of days ago."

"So where is he now? I have been looking for him…I need to talk to him."

"He…resigned his position. I believe that he is returning to Lothlórien with Haldir." Elrond paused. "Did you know about Erestor…that he…?"

"That he's gay? Of course I knew. I've known him as long as you, Elrond. I just thought that he'd show more discretion. So…why did he resign?"

"I said unforgivable things to him." Elrond shook his head, then looked up at Glorfindel. "But I couldn't have kept him on as my Chief Advisor even had he not resigned the position."

"Why not?" Glorfindel was beginning to have a sneaking suspicion that Elrond had, for whatever reason, not read the letter.

"I couldn't have someone…like that…being second-in-command of Imladris. It wouldn't be right." Elrond was sure that Glorfindel agreed with him.

A smile came involuntarily onto Glorfindel's face. He had caught Elrond. For a while, he had really believed that Elrond had read the letter and that Elrond felt some measure of love or even affection towards him exceeding mere friendship. Now he knew the truth. _This is going to be fun._ "Right. I suppose that makes sense. But…I really need an answer to the question I posed in my letter."

Elrond wanted very much to hit Glorfindel. "Which one?"

"The first one will suffice, I think. I think that I can draw the appropriate conclusions for the rest of them if you answer the first."

"Like I said yesterday, I don't know yet."

"You know what I know?"

Elrond was confused. "What do you mean?"

"You didn't read my letter."

"Of course I did," Elrond lied. He was surprised by how convincing he made his voice. In fact, he sounded mildly angry that Glorfindel would so much as think that he hadn't read it.

"Then let me say seven words to you that will prove one way or the other. Okay?"

Elrond frowned. He wasn't sure what to expect, but he nodded cautiously. "Okay."

"I am in love with you, Elrond."

* * *

Author's Note: How will Elrond react? Will he kick Glorfindel out, too? Or will Glorfindel manage to win over Elrond's heart? 


	9. Confession Part Two

Chapter 9

* * *

Erestor's Journal

**So we arrived in Lorien today. Haldir and I immediately sought out Celeborn, who fortunately said that I could stay. I don't know what I would have done if he had said I had to leave. As I expected, I moved to Haldir's spacious rooms. Not that I brought much with me. I want to remember as little of Imladris as possible.**

**I didn't think that even Elrond would say something like that to me. That will take a long time for me to forgive. His narrow-mindedness is one thing, but to call me perverted is another thing entirely. For Glorfindel's sake, I hope he does not confess his feelings to Elrond. I don't know how he would be able to take Elrond's reaction.**

**Anyway, I must start forgetting Imladris. Lorien will be my home now. Celeborn has graciously allowed me a position of advisor to him. That is far more than I would have expected. It is certainly not something that Elrond would do. I can tell that Haldir still thinks it is his fault that this happened. In a way, I suppose it. But that confrontation had been brewing for centuries. Anything could have set it off. In fact, I had expected it to be my affair with Glorfindel that finally alerted Elrond.**

**I must find some way to convince Haldir that I do love him, dearly, and that I do not blame him for what happened. It will be good to start off fresh in a place where I do not have to hide what I truly am. Imladris was a place of secrets. Lorien does not have to be so.**

**I think that I will grow to like this place.**

* * *

Haldir's Mind

_I sneak in well after dark. I was with some old friends, drinking. I didn't want you to come along because I could tell that you were in no mood to be around people. So I lied to you and told you I was meeting with Celeborn. You are sleeping soundly. You look so beautiful when you're sleeping, more so even than when you're awake. I tiptoe over, hoping that I won't wake you._

_I fail miserably. Just as I reach the bed, your eyes open and look straight at me. "How did the meeting go?" you ask._

_I really hate to lie to you. "It went fine. But I'm tired now."_

_You open your arms. "Then come to bed."_

"_I had every intention of doing so." It takes me hardly any time to undress, which is unusual. In romantic situations like this one, I always manage to look like a fool by tripping over some piece of clothing or another. But tonight I am perfect. Or at least I want to tell myself that._

_At first, I think that you are in the mood to make love. It soon becomes clear that you are not. You turn away from me and will not let me touch you at all. I retreat to the other side of the bed. I cannot sleep. Later on, I hear you cry. I wish that I could go to you and comfort you, but it is clear that I can be of no help to you._

_Damn, all I was trying to accomplish by chasing you to Imladris was that I love you. Instead, I have done exactly what you have been fearing all this time. How could you still love me?_

_I don't sleep for a very long time._

* * *

Imladris

Elrond didn't know what to say for a very long time. He stared, slack-jawed, at Glorfindel for a few moments. It seemed like his brain had physically shut down. But before he could manage to utter a single word, Glorfindel had smiled smugly and said, "That's what I thought." Then he left the room.

Elrond barely made it back to his chair before he collapsed. This was more than he could handle. It was one thing to have Erestor involved with Haldir, it was another entirely for Glorfindel to be attracted to him. Never before had he considered male elves as an object of infatuation. When he was younger, many he knew experimented thusly, but he was not one of them. Realistically, he was aware that he was attractive to both sexes and had been propositioned by both sexes in the past.

But Glorfindel was another matter entirely. When he had regained a minute amount of control over his body and mind, he set out to find Glorfindel. This matter had to be dealt with, quickly, before it got out of hand.

_At least Celebr�an's not here._

That traitorous thought entered his brain before he could stop it. He didn't even really know what his mind was trying to tell him. So he treated it as he had treated the thought that he found Glorfindel beautiful and dismissed it. It would serve no purpose except to make matters worse.

"Why did they both have to be?" he demanded to the empty room. He couldn't have Glorfindel resign or get rid of Glorfindel. He needed Glorfindel around in an advisory capacity. But things would get so strange between them now. While Elrond knew that Glorfindel had probably felt this way about him for a long time, it was different now that Elrond knew about it.

That was when Glorfindel walked back in, a smile barely visible on his face. "I apologize for walking out like that," he said. "I…wanted to give you time to collect your thoughts, as you seemed a little…stunned."

"I think stunned is an understatement, Glorfindel." He gestured for Glorfindel to sit down, which he did. The most inane question came out first. "How long?"

There were many possible interpretations of that question, but Glorfindel figured that he knew what Elrond was asking. He decided, however, to give a deliberately bad answer. Elrond had played him earlier, now he would play Elrond in return. "Ever since my relationship with Erestor ended."

"You and Erestor…" Elrond, once again, had no words. His own two most trusted advisors were sleeping together and he had never figured it out? They must have been very discreet. Elrond shook his head. He really would prefer not to know the particulars (though he had the sick feeling that Glorfindel would willingly give them if Elrond asked). "How long ago was that?"

Glorfindel frowned, trying to remember. "It was…probably almost a century now. Yes, that sounds about right."

"So you've been attracted to me…for a century…and you never told me before?" _Not that I would particularly want to know._

"I saw no point. You had never expressed any interest in a male. There was talk of an impending marriage. And then you did get married. I knew that, regardless of your personal…preferences, I didn't stand a chance. So I kept my mouth shut."

"So why ever bring it up?"

"Surely you saw how it was eating at me recently. Erestor told me to forget you and that it was foolish of me to love you. It was the night before he left for Lorien. He has always been such a good friend to me."

Now that late-night hallway conversation finally made sense. The pieces were starting to click together in his mind, now that it had decided to start working again. "And then I sent you to Mirkwood…you said something about Legolas helping you…oh, gods, is that why he's here?"

Glorfindel grinned. "I fear that he fell in love with me. For some reason, I do not reciprocate those feelings. He is beautiful, and charming, and has every quality that I look for in my lovers. But for some reason, I keep pushing him away."

"Me," said Elrond, almost too quietly for Glorfindel to hear.

"Yes," answered Glorfindel, even though Elrond's statement hadn't really been a question. "I know that you don't want to hear this from me, but I'll tell you anyway because I'll probably never get another chance and I've always wanted to be able to say it. You are the most beautiful elf I have ever met…the most perfect elf I know." Glorfindel smiled and looked at his feet.

Elrond wasn't really sure what an appropriate response to that would be. So he decided to avoid the whole conversation. "What can I say to convince Erestor to come back? I need him here." _Even if I must deal with having Haldir here as well._

"Well, what did you say to him in the first place?" Elrond told him and Glorfindel was shocked. Even from someone like Elrond, Glorfindel wouldn't have expected anything quite like that. "Elrond, I'm not sure that there's really any way you can apologize for that. You're just going to have to wait until he chooses to come back. Probably when he breaks up with Haldir. But really, Elrond, I have to be angry with you for saying that." He shook his head. "I can probably handle some of Erestor's work until we can figure out how to bring him back…unless you want to get rid of me, too."

"I couldn't even if I wanted to. I need at least one elf here that I trust above all others. Now that Erestor is gone, you are the only one who remains."

"Do you want me to go? I mean, if you could."

"No." It was on the tip of Elrond's tongue to tell Glorfindel that he had been unable to get Glorfindel out of his mind while he was in Mirkwood. He was unsure, though, as to how Glorfindel would interpret that. "You are my friend. I would have preferred to keep Erestor here as well…"

"Apart from those unforgivable things you said to him."

"Yes. Apart from that."

"Well, now that we have all of that settled, I'm sure I now have more work to do than time to do it in. So I will see you later, Elrond. Do not expect me at the evening meal. I suspect I will not have time to eat." He had made up his mind to forget about his love for Elrond. What would be best, he decided, would be to take another lover, and flaunt him. It wouldn't ease the tensions between them at all, but Glorfindel knew that it would certainly make him feel a hell of a lot better.

* * *

Elrond's Journal

**Now that it is all out in the open, I find myself glad that it has happened. And I'm not sure why. I know for certain that I do not return his feelings. What I feel for him is friendship. It ends there. I have never desired anything more.**

**But when he told me that he found me perfect, something sparked inside me. It worries me more than even the thoughts that I had that Glorfindel was beautiful. Who am I kidding, he is beautiful. **

**I could tell that he was disappointed by my lack of reaction, either positive or negative. What he didn't know was that I was restraining all my emotions. It took a lot of effort for that. The strange thing, though, is that even I am not certain what I would have said if I had been weaker than I am, if I had allowed what I was truly thinking to come out.**

**He avoided me all day today. I did not expect him at the evening meal, as he told me he would not be there. However, twice during the day and three times in the evening, I went to his office in an attempt to find him. However, every time, he had, as I was informed, just gone off on some errand. It is maddening how skilful he is at this!**

**In other matters, though, I am having more success. I am planning a visit to Lorien. Hopefully I will have a chance to speak with Erestor. I am willing to go to almost any lengths to get him to come back. I am sure that Glorfindel will assist me in this. Ever since finding out about their relationship, I think of more and more incidents that would have, had I been paying sufficient attention, told me everything I needed to know without these confrontational scenes.**

**Even more so than before, Glorfindel is in my head. Really, my thoughts are starting to scare me. I have tried every remedy to get rid of them, but they persist. Some deep part of me, some part that has long remained hidden that is now tearing to be free, wants to explore this attraction. **

**I can't do that.**

**I'm married. Happily married. I couldn't do it even if I wanted to.**

**But some part of me that I'm not sure how much longer I can control wants to.**

* * *

Lorien

Celeborn could see the loss in Erestor's eyes. However insistent that Erestor was that he did not long for Imladris, his eyes gave it away. Truly, Celeborn felt for Erestor. Through Haldir, he had heard what he was sure nearly approximated the conversation between Elrond and Erestor. What Elrond had said was truly cruel, much more so than Celeborn would have thought possible from Elrond. For a while, even Celeborn had been attracted to Elrond, had been pulled in by that mesmerizing beauty. Now those illusions had been shattered.

"What do you want me to do for you, my lord?"

Even the animated quality of Erestor's voice was gone. This Erestor was a new person, but certainly not a better one. "You can call me Celeborn. I know that Elrond would have trusted you with his life. He certainly never went against one of your decisions. I would like to give you similar power here…but, you are from Imladris. There are those that would refuse to trust you and would lose loyalty to me."

"I understand." Erestor remained standing, even though Celeborn had offered him a seat.

Celeborn wished that Erestor would relax a little. He was not so blind as to miss Erestor's dark beauty. Though he would never dream of deliberately taking someone else's lover, especially not Haldir's, Celeborn would be a fool to tell himself that he did not desire Erestor at least a little. "I understand your loss, Erestor…"

"No," said Erestor bitterly, "you will never understand."

Celeborn could see how close to breaking down Erestor was, and rose to his feet. He laid a gentle hand on Erestor's shoulder. "We will all do whatever we can to make this easier for you."

Erestor hated to cry. More than that, though, he hated to cry when other people were around. Yet now he began to cry. Everything had just built up inside him for so long and those emotions were pressing to get out. Without protest, he allowed Celeborn to hold him. It felt good to give over his control to someone else, if only for a short while. Haldir was different, Haldir was his lover. Haldir could never give him the same kind of reassurance that Celeborn could.

"We will find some way to make it better. I swear that to you," murmured Celeborn, tightening his grip slightly around Erestor's shaking body.

Erestor did not care for words right now. Eventually, though, he gained enough control over himself and pulled away. Wiping the tears from his eyes and clearing his throat, he said, "I will try my best, Celeborn, though I make no promises."

Celeborn's eyes remained on Erestor as Erestor walked out. One thought and one thought only passed into his mind.

_I think that I may be falling in love with you._


	10. Twisted Emotions

Chapter 9

Elrond's Journal

**I cornered him today. It took a lot of planning, for I have found out that he possesses a depth of cunning perhaps unmatched even by Erestor. Finally though, I knocked on his study door only moments after he had entered. Trying to keep my expression neutral, I waited for him to open the door.**

**He nearly closed it in my face once he saw who it was. Then he must have realized that, whatever else I am, I AM Lord of Imladris, and he couldn't really slam a door in my face. However, his tone was barely cordial, lacking any hint of affection or emotion. "What can I do for you?" he asked.**

**Stupidly, I said that we needed to talk.**

**He shook his head and told me that he had the work of two elves to do, and that he didn't have time to discuss an issue that was closed. Then he asked me to leave if that was all I had come to discuss. If I had not been upset, I would have been angry at his arrogant presumption. But I got up to leave nonetheless. There is no need to make the issue even worse than it already is. Before I left, I asked him if he wanted to have dinner with me, in private.**

**He laughed in my face. He told me that he had already made plans for the night. I know what that means, what it has to mean. He has found a bedmate. I shouldn't care who he sleeps with. I really shouldn't.**

**But I do, so much. I can't define why that is, though. I still feel no love, nor lust, for Glorfindel. I still view him as a friend, I know that.**

**But the thought of him in someone's arms sends this surge of jealousy through my body. And it scares me.**

**Valar protect me. Save me from these urges that I don't know how much longer I will be able to control. I don't know what would have happened if he had agreed to eat with me tonight, but I do know that it would have been something I regretted.**

**I am bonded. I have to remember that. No matter what, that is what I must remember. It will keep me strong. It will keep me faithful.**

**Or at least that is what I hope for.**

**>>>>>>>>>>>> **

Lorien

It was clear to everyone that Erestor was failing miserably to adapt to life in Lorien. He was withdrawn and could barely manage to function on a daily basis. That made Haldir unhappy, and he made his unhappiness known in far more visible ways than Erestor did. Like when he came in to see Celeborn and demanded that something be done about the situation.

Celeborn was made distressed by Erestor's melancholy, and suspected he knew what Haldir was talking about. "What do you mean, Haldir?"

"I mean that you know as well as I do how upset Erestor is. There has to be something that we can do about it…"

"What do you expect me to do about it, Haldir? He is your lover."

"Can't you send a message to Elrond…"

Celeborn laughed. "It is because of Elrond that Erestor is here. Not that Erestor wouldn't go back, but there is a distinct chance that Elrond does not want Erestor in Imladris. As bigoted as it is, he won't tolerate Erestor in a position of Chief Advisor. And to go back to Imladris, disgraced…that would make it worse, not better, for Erestor. You know that. I feel his pain, as do you, but there is nothing we can do about it. It is something that he must get through himself."

It was at that moment that Erestor walked into the room. There were dark shadows under his eyes and his eyes were red, as though he had been crying. Haldir immediately went to him and put an arm around him.

"What is it?" asked Celeborn, noticing a piece of parchment in Erestor's hand. So, a messenger must have come.

Erestor seemed to be struggling to find the words. "You are aware that the Lady Celebrian left yesterday?"

"Of course I am." Part of Celeborn couldn't help but wonder if that was only rubbing salt in the wound. "Is that a message from her? Or has she arrived safely in Imladris? No…it has not been enough time for that."

"Her party was attacked, my lord."

Celeborn's eyes widened and he rose to his feet. "Attacked, Erestor? Is the Lady Celebrian…?"

Erestor looked at the ground. "She was…killed, my lord."

Celeborn slumped back down. His daughter…dead? That was almost too much for him to take. "Are you sure?" he asked weakly.

"Completely."

Celeborn forced his mind to be practical, as much as it did not wish to cooperate. "Has Imladris been notified?"

"No, my lord."

Celeborn wiped eyes that were rapidly filling with tears. Struggling with all his might to stay composed, he said, "Erestor…it is your duty to ride to Imladris and pass on the news. You are the only I trust with this task. Take Haldir with you, and return when you see fit."

"My lord?"

"It was not a choice, Erestor."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Glorfindel's Journal

**I wanted to say yes. By the gods, I wanted to say yes. When he asked me for dinner, it was all I could do to stop myself from jumping up and kissing him then and there. But I exercised restraint. I told him I had other plans. Which, by the way, is complete bullshit. There's no one. Only him. I wanted to find someone else, but no one comes even close to him.**

**I don't know what he wants. I wish that I knew what his intentions were. Does he want me as a lover? A friend? Does he want to make amends? Or does he want my advice on something? There's no way I can know because he is utterly unreadable. It is by far his worst characteristic.**

**Its now about time for the evening meal, and I am tempted to seek Elrond out and tell him that that's what I want; that I'd love to eat with him. But I don't trust myself to behave during a private meal with him.**

**And I'm not sure I trust HIM to behave either.**

**That sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? That I think he's starting to lust after me. Because I know he's not. I know he feels the same way that he has always felt. I'm not even entirely certain that we are still friends at this point. He seems so nervous around me, as though I would pounce on him at any moment.**

**Admittedly, I would like nothing better.**

**Now if only Elrond were the sum total of my problems. Then I might be able to ignore it and actually get some work done.**

**Only it's not.**

**There's a remarkably persistent Mirkwood elf who shows absolutely no signs of leaving anytime soon.**

**Why won't Legolas go?**

**It must be clear by now that I am not interested. I have made it so clear; I have told him those exact words to his face. He smiles, leaves, and the next day, nothing has changed. **

**Why won't he leave? **

**  
Does he not realize that he is only making everything worse for me? Perhaps not. But I can't deal with both him and Elrond much longer.**

**Soon I will just collapse.**

**And I don't even have Erestor around to console me. Damn Elrond for that.**

**While we're at it, damn Elrond for a lot of things.**

**>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> **

Thranduil's Mind

_I get up on my horse. I can see how confused everyone looks at my sudden riding off, with pretty much no notice. I did mention something like this a few days ago, but I don't think anyone took me seriously, then. Now they know that I was dead serious._

"_Sire, you shouldn't be…"_

_I shake my head. "No," I say, in a tone that means I am not in the mood to argue. "I must visit Imladris. It will not be a long visit. But there is something I need to do while I am there." Namely, win Glorfindel over._

"_Rescue your son?"_

_I smile and nod. What a wonderfully plausible excuse my son has given me to travel to Imladris. Disappearing in the middle of the night and turning up in Imladris. It is only natural for a father to go after his child. "That is what I have to do. As I said, I should not be there too long. I must simply convince him to return with me." Little do they know, the 'him' of which I speak, is Glorfindel, not Legolas._

_I ride off, my heart now lifted with the prospect of maybe having a lover upon my return. I do want Glorfindel, and as more than just a casual thing. I feel a connection with him that I have never felt with another elf before. I just hope that I can convince him to give up his foolish obsession with Elrond. It will be the death of him._

_Because I can make him happy._

_>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>. _

Imladris

Elrond was sitting in the library, more or less doing nothing, when a servant came in and told him to come immediately. The look of agitation on the servant's face made Elrond get up quickly and follow the elf. He was led to his study, where there were already 3 elves present. Glorfindel, looked terribly worried; Haldir, sitting down, his eyes closed; and Erestor.

Erestor looked so different. He looked practically dead. It hurt Elrond just to look at him like that. And he knew that he was part of the cause. He had to be. The servant left, and Elrond closed the door. Sitting down behind his desk, he asked calmly, "What brings you to Imladris, Erestor, Haldir?"

Erestor looked at Elrond critically. Elrond could not fail to notice the reddened eyes and shadows underneath. It took him a few moments to see that Haldir's hand was resting on Erestor's shoulder, and Erestor's hand was clasped with Glorfindel's. For some reason, this bothered him not at all. It seemed almost natural. "We bring news…from the Lady Celebrian."

"Yes, I am expecting her return shortly." Part of Elrond was looking forward to that so much. It mean that perhaps he could start to put these ridiculous feelings and impulses regarding Glorfindel to rest. That would make his life so much easier.

Erestor shook his head. "No, my lord. I am afraid not."

Elrond frowned, a little puzzled. "Has she changed her mind? Is she remaining in Lorien longer? If so, may I ask the cause?"

Erestor seemed to struggle to remain calm. He looked so close to tears that Elrond felt the urge to take him in his arms and hug him. But he maintained his distance. Glorfindel was soothingly rubbing Erestor's hand. Erestor's head was resting on Haldir's shoulder. Finally, Erestor managed to say, "She…won't be coming home…my lord."

Elrond was hurt. Upset. Shocked. Angry. "What do you mean she won't be coming home?" he demanded loudly.

Glorfindel glowered at Elrond.

Elrond raised an eyebrow at him.

Erestor pulled his hand free of Glorfindel's, and sat up straight. In a scarily clear voice, he said, "The Lady Celebrian will not be returning home because she was killed upon her return journey."

Elrond, in an instant, saw his whole world collapse around him.


End file.
